Why Walmart is the Devil's Lair

No, it's not their shady practices.

The way they take over the world, one yellow smiley face at a time.

It's not their greeters, or their lack of greeters.

It's not even their clientele. 

They are the MOST expensive store in the world.

Worse than Macy's!
Worse than Dillard's!
Worse than Whole Foods!

Lemme give you a rundown:

Oranges: $50
Face wash: $50
Loaf of bread: $50
Gum: $50
Swing set: $50

That's right, everything in Walmart is $50.

This is the only explanation for why I can drop by for a lemon and three bobby pins and spend $50. 

I hate Walmart. 

Oh, while I'm here I'll just pick up some paper towels.

Well, we'll run out of trash bags eventually. Might as well grab four boxes.

It's not like we'll ever stop using toilet paper; guess I'll grab some.

Oh, look! shoes!

And what do we have? A fifty dollar lemon.

I won't go back! You can't make me! I don't care how badly I need dog food, scotch tape, and bread crumbs! I will go to Dog Food R Us, the Scotch Tape Factory, and Bread Crumbs Unlimited! 

Who's with me?! 

SAHMs - Heavy Weight Champs or Bullies?

I was reading a lovely post by a lovely blogger (mrs. darcy) and since I recently had an article published about Mommy Wars, it got me thinking about ANOTHER Mommy War:

SAHMs (that's Stay At Home Mom for you people living under a rock. Or men)

Vs

Working Mothers.

Yes, yes, I know all mothers are working mothers. That's not what this is about, silly.

The pendulum that swings on this is wide, loud, heavy, and will smack you in the face if you get too close. But let's do it anyway...

(And if you are comfortably in the middle, or even on the far side of one or the other, but not judgmentally in anyone's faces, then you can leave right now and go eat some cookies).

Mmm. Cookies.

The two extremes are these:

1. SAHMs who are smug and self righteous, while secretly hating tiny parts of their lives

and

2. Working mothers who are smug and self righteous, while secretly hating tiny parts of their lives.

Since it's no secret that SAHMs have felt looked down on by the ultra feminist movement, who thinks they (the SAHMs) are setting them back about a century with their love of bread baking, sewing, homeschooling, and apron wearing, we're gonna explore the other side. I know, surprising, huh? You didn't think I'd take the other side, didja?! Ha! The Blogging Ninja struck again...

The other side is this:

The way super conservative SAHMs make Working Mothers feel. Since I've been one, I feel like I can talk. And of course this doesn't apply to everybody - that goes without saying. But I said it anyway. So don't leave me nasty comments. Just pretend I'm talking to my bad self, not you.

For the very conservative, typically religious, SAHMs (of whom I have been one), here are some things you should know about SOME Working Mothers:

1. While you are making it work on your husband's income, not everybody can. Yes, I can hear you saying, give up your car payment, downsize your house, don't take vacations, shop used, put back the organic fruit, etc.  But you know what? Some have done all that, and their husband's income still doesn't pay the bills. Jobs do not grow on trees in this economy, and sometimes we take what we can get. Sometimes this means your college educated man takes a job with less per hour than he made right out of high school. I know you THINK everyone can do it, but that's just not the case. Is it the case in MOST cases? Yes, you're probably right. But it's not the case in my case, and it's not the case in other's cases. We literally could not make the budget if I didn't work. And guess what? We don't have any debt. We don't have car payments, we never vacation, we don't wear new clothes, we get our hair cut at the beauty college, we rent a small house. We are simply under-employed.

2.  Some don't have the fairy tale marriage you have (or claim you have on FB. Haha! Joking). Not every man is the Picture of Respectability. There are things you don't know about women's marriages, and they could be one of the reasons why she isn't staying at home. For instance: if there's threat of divorce, how long will the dream of staying home last? Or maybe he's just not into this SAHM point of view.

3. Some women genuinely feel that they are better moms for working. I know. This is a tough one for moms who spring on fairy wings through their houses, dusting, planting kisses on their well behaved offspring, and never having a bad day. But for some, those bad days aren't very few and far between. Do I think women should think long and hard about having children and dropping them off at daycare? Yep, and yep, and GOOD HEAVENS YEP.  I knew a gal who would take her kids to daycare on the days she DIDN'T work. This was so sad to me. I didn't understand it then, and I don't understand it now. But it doesn't mean the Working Mother loves her kids less than you do. I repeat: it doesn't mean she loves her kids less than you do. I know it feels like it to you, but it's simply not true. What if they love with a fierce, exhausted, passionate, busier kind of love than you feel? It isn't less than your coloring book, read aloud, SAHM kind of love. It's just different. Maybe they're scared of who they are when the walls of home are closing in on them. Maybe they feel like they neglect their kids when they're right in front of them, and do better when they get a chance to miss them a bit (I've felt this. Is it right? Probably not. But I think it's a common struggle. Did you know homeschooling SAHMs can neglect their children? They can).

Am I saying everyone should be a working mother? No. Do I think Moms should want/desire/TRY their best to stay home with their children? Yes. But is it helping to look down our noses at one another? Aren't we wasting our children's childhoods with patronizing judging when we could be meeting each other at the park, coffee in one hand, toddler's hand in the other? Whether it's in between naps, or in between meetings at the office, we all need it.

If every mom stayed home around the clock, where would you take Little Sue when she needed ballet classes? Who would show Annie that women can be fire fighters, too? Who would read aloud to Jake if library story hour went away?

This is the most feminist I've ever sounded...and I haven't been a feminist since third grade. Ironically enough, I don't have time to read over this and decide if it's worth publishing...because I have to go to work! HA! How's that for funny?

Have you ever felt like you perched on one side of the pendulum? Can there be a balance? Have you felt hit in the head by someone on the other side of the debate?

Conservatively Liberal

Election years make my brain shrivel up into yesterday’s raisin. They suck the life out of my normally optimistic mood, and make me want to unplug every social media site, television, phone, and news platforms.

Because I hate politics?

No, not really, though I confess to loving them about as much as I love a slight papercut. That is to say, uncomfortably ignoring them for the most part. There are the issues I care about, and about a million others that make my head swim. But that’s not the reason:

It’s because, like a gawky, awkward pre-teen, I don’t fit in anywhere.

To someone who knows cheerfully that they are Liberal, everything is black and white. 

Too someone who knows happily, that they are Conservative, everything is black and white.

Being a homeschooling, pro-life, Christian, in a heterosexual marriage, I’m much, much too conservative for the liberals.

Being a short skirt wearing, gay friend having, reader of Harry Potter, sipper of wine, I am far too liberal for the conservatives.

Does that make me murky gray?

What’s a girl to do? Bury her head in the sand and refuse to come out? Tempting.

It’s difficult to make friends of any sort when you say something like,

After the baptism tonight, do you want to come over and watch Hells’ Kitchen?

Or,

Hey, let’s go to the Dave Ramsay conference and then go wine tasting!

Or,

We missed the church prayer vigil cuz we were out trick or treating.

I’m one of the most Goody Good Girls you’ll ever meet (ask anyone), yet I don’t even own a denim jumper. I make my bread from scratch, but I’ve also taken my kids to the Anheiser Busch Factory (that’s Budweiser, yes. The beer. Not butter beer, but there are those who would cry that that would be even worse). I wear sparkly eye shadow and high heels, but I believe in modesty. I love my Jesus, but there are times I hate praying over dinner because of the squirmy shenanigans going on and the fact that my hard work is getting cold (Martha, Martha, Martha…I know). I’m certainly not a Democrat, but I’m also the worst Christian you’ll ever meet. Is that me being humble, self deprecating, or just honest? Yes.

I have straight friends, gay friends, Calvinist friends, Buddhist friends, friends with eleventy-seven children with four more on the way, friends with one child and laser beam eyes that will shoot your way if you ask them how many more they want, friends who go to church four times a week, and friends who wouldn’t be caught dead in a church (or that’s the only time they’ll be in there!) Friends who would pray for my soul if they saw me in the beer aisle at the super market, and friends who consider me a light-weight because I draw the line at two. Friends who would never consider even celebrating Christmas, much less teach their kids that there is a Santa Claus, and friends who will only accept “Happy holidays,” instead of “Merry Christmas.”

Am I well rounded? Do I have such eclectic friends because I am non-judgmental, or because I am luke warm in my convictions? I honestly don’t know. I know my liberal friends don’t feel judged by me, because they’ve told me so. But have I watered down the scriptures in pursuit of friendships? Jesus told us to eat with tax collectors, the first century equivalent of lawyers. What to do? Crap, I don’t even know any lawyers.

I love my friends. They’re the greatest group of weirdos you’ll ever meet. But they make me sad sometimes, because while they’re yelling about someone hating them, they’re doing the same thing to my other friend. And even if they don’t know that person personally – well, wait. That’s the problem, isn’t it? Can’t we all just sit down at a Chik-Fil-A and have a book group about 50 Shades of Gray? Hahahaha: 50 Shades of Gray in a Chik-Fil-A. I slay myself.

But seriously, while you feel certain in your convictions, whatever they may be, slamming one of my friends isn’t okay. Because they disagree with you, doesn’t make them a hater. We all suck at love, anyway, don’t we? Who has cornered the market on that? The atheists? The Christians? The muslims? The homeschoolers? I repeat, we all suck at it. That frumpy mom you roll your eyes at for being so religious and close minded; she’s been on a journey you’ll never know about. That lesbian who has just come out of the closet; she was one of my only friends at a time when the religious were too busy for me. That teenager with a mouth like a sailor and no respect; given what he’s had modeled for him, it’s amazing he came out sane at all. That woman who’s been divorced twice; she already feels like a loser without you pointing it out. That mom with the autistic daughter; she doesn’t need your spanking methods. That man with the gay son; he doesn’t want your chicken sandwich shoved in his face.

Does this make me weak, meek, turn the other cheek, we’re okay, you’re okay, all we need is love, hold hands and share a Coca Cola and hum a Michael Jackson song? No way. I think everyone needs conviction and passion and should never stop learning. And do I think we all find our own way to God? Not really, no. Being a Christian I can’t say that and still be a Christian.

I’ve done the legalistic approach, where your spirituality is determined by the length of your hair and your skirt. And I’ve done the “God is in the trees” route, so “don’t you dare tell me what to do,” too. I am fiercely pro-life, but I don’t march in parades. I love my gay friends, but I haven’t been invited to any of their weddings, either. When I go to the library, I might leave with a devotional book and Twilight.

So, what am I, in this election year?

Mostly –

confused. And my nose is full of sand. Could someone smuggle me a People magazine and a glass of vino, please? 

What about you? Black, white, murky gray? Are elections easy for you? Seen anything in your friends that make you sad recently? Talk to me, Goose.

I Hate Free Speech

The irony of me speaking that does not escape me.

I can say it.
Cuz I have free speech and all.
And that's awesome.

But there's a line and it really, really bothers me when people cross it.

When people mouth off about things that they haven't bothered to research. When they spout off opinions that are ignorant and judgmental and just plain mean, and they do it all with relative anonymity.

That really chaps my hide.

Is the world really full of mean spirited punks? Hateful bullies disguised as grown adults? Is that what we become when we can hide behind the safety of our own little computer? Spoiled, know-it-all, jerks with mouths full of hate?

I hate Youtube because I can't help myself from scrolling down and being appalled at the nastiness. I hate the comments people post about a celebrity who has gone from a size 0 to a God-forbid, size 4, and they trash her for being fat. I hate comedians because they're usually well spoken, popular bullies.

I hate that my girls are growing up during this age of the Tower of Babel run amuck.

I hate the bullying that goes on through kid's text messages and Facebook.  I hope texting and MySpace and Facebook are silly, looked-down, things of the past in a few short years when my kid's will be old enough to want them.

I hate when someone I sort of like and respect actually runs for office, because I hate it when nice enough people and their innocent families get dragged through the mud.  I'm usually glad when they don't win (and typically, no one I vote for ever wins...)

I hate that the lovely midwives who helped me deliver Gianni during a traumatic and dangerous birth have had their licenses suspended for being present at the births of some tragically, now deceased babies.  Their numbers are not high - not as high as the typical U.S. O.B.s even - but because of how much people love witch hunts, they are being destroyed.

What a finger pointing world we live in. People yelling about hate and lack of tolerance while they self righteously do the same thing.

People sitting around, crassly naval gazing, preaching at God for not intervening enough yet never doing anything themselves to help those they say they want to help. Indulgently chuckling at the religious who bring bibles to the poor and saying why didn't they bring food instead? Have they themselves or are they too busy posting judgmental comments and ran out of time?

I wonder sometimes when we are raging at God for allowing bad things to happen to good people, if He doesn't sigh and wonder the same about us. If He has a desk, He is probably banging His head against it just as often as we are, but for better reasons.

We can stop the bad and do something good. It doesn't mean the sky will fill with rainbows and unicorns will shoot Skittles out of their horn for you to munch on while you bask in the glory that is yourself and your awesomeness, but you can still do it. Sometimes, actually, you do it, and it hurts like heck. Like my midwives. Like me and my husband: we gave up everything we had and moved in with seven teenage inner city turkeys. It was incredibly unrewarding. It did not turn out well. There were no unicorns. There was rage and fights and exhaustion and danger and hopelessness. But we did it anyway. I don't say that to toot my own horn, but rather, that when you see a need, step up.

I hate all those things up above, but more than those, I hate the feeling of what if...


what if...I could have helped?
And not added to the hurt?


What we went through basically sucked. There you go. I wish I could tell you how it was all worth it in the end, but I'm not where I can say that just yet. But I am glad we did it; if we hadn't, we'd still be gazing at our navals, sighing over wishing we could do something big with our lives.


As goofy as it sounds, go out and be a light to someone today. It can be as complicated as volunteering somewhere that scares you, giving away money, considering foster care, or stepping in where you're needed, or it can be as simple as complimenting a frazzled mom at the grocery store (a quiet 'you're doing great, Mom' does wonders. I've been on both sides of that phrase), throwing a baby shower for a friendless woman, saying Yes to your kids all day, or leaving a waiter a big tip.

I guess my point is, leave a positive mark in a negative world. See some beauty.

If you close one eye and squint, you might even make out a unicorn.