Late at night, when the kids are finally asleep, the lights are dimmed, the phone is off, the dishwasher is humming, the doors are locked, and I'm in bed with my husband, he whispers an insecure thought:
you only love me for my body.
Stop wiggling and get over here! I demand.
No! I'm more than just a hot body, you know! he hugs a pillow to his chest and effectively blocks my embrace.
No, you're not. Quit fighting and give in!
Seriously, stop being so dramatic and give me what I want!
No buts. Come here.
And then I stick my freezing ice cold feet in the panini press that is my spouse's legs. Ahhhhh. Then he says immmknottttjussupeeesameatunoihaffeelysanduhbraintooounoifweelsoust. which I think is something over the top like, I'm not just a piece of meat you know. I have feelings and a brain too, you know. I feel so used. It's hard to understand him when his teeth are chattering and clanging together. Even his teeth are melodramatic.
We're good at this romance thing. K, not so much. Sometimes he tries to be romantic but I tend to kill it with sarcasm so we just eat some more leftovers and dvr something.
On Valentine's Day, he spends his day in fear at work because he knows I said that it's just a hallmark holiday and he does NOT have to observe it, but of course, like any man he wonders if this is a test. Am I serious? Will he come home empty handed only to have me burst into tears?
Last year at Mother's Day, he forgot to do anything. When I mentioned it, his eyes got wide and he said,
I thought you said it was just a hallmark holiday, riddled with commercialism?
That's Valentine's. Not Mother's Day. Do I need to go over the birth stories with you again?
Sometimes he gets a little twitchy and gets this haunted look on his face. I don't know why.
I think I'll get myself a pair of fuzzy socks for his Valentine's present. And you said I wasn't the romantic type! Pshaw! Take that, Cupid, you ornery little bugger!
But he better not bring me flowers cuz that's a waste of money. Plus I will kill them posthaste. And my hips don't need chocolate. And I only like the funny cards, not the mooshy ones. But it has to be the BEST funny card. The one you find after you've read each and every one at the store. It's probably just best if I find my own card actually.
Happy Half-Off Candy Eve, everyone! God bless us everyone. Amen.
I was only kidding about the chocolate.