The day pinterest set my face on fire

Mix an egg yolk with some honey, 
they said.

Use it as a face mask, 
they said.

It will smooth your wrinkles, shrink your pores, get rid of fine lines, and make you look like Cate Blanchett, 
they said.

Okay, they didn't say that. Whatever. 

I mixed it up with all the fervor of Dr. Moreau. (He mixed things, right?)

Then I sank into my gingerbread infused bath as it sat on my face. The concoction, I mean, not Dr. Moreau. That'd be weird! And awkward.

After about five seconds, before I could even crack open my book, my face began to tingle.

Then it burst into flames.

I washed off my yellow slime and wondered if my free ranging, organic, backyard chicken egg was to blame. Maybe this only worked with pale, grain fed, anemic eggs? 

In spite of being gone, my face still burned. In fact, it was getting worse. I stole a peek at myself in the mirror. I was not rocking the cranberry color. 

Let this be a lesson to us all. There are evil pinterest minions in the world who twirl their mustaches and come up with ridiculous ideas, pin them, then sit back and wait for dummies to try them. 

I am that dummy.

I am so reporting this problem to the pinterest board. 
Just as soon as I try this DIY ear wax removal.

Ta-ta!

Beauty Routines

If you're like me, you love reading about other people's beauty routines (and you love the color yellow and are scared of shadow boxes) even if you don't consider yourself a fashionista or a regular Carmendy.

97 days ago I started the Curly Girl Method (you can read about my experiment HERE).
Today, I fell off the wagon. Well, a couple days ago I started to slip off the wagon, when I heated up my trusty old wide barrel curling iron. The soft waves instead of kinky curls! I could run my fingers through my hair without them getting stuck. Today, I fell off the rest of the way when I used shampoo for the first time in 97 days.

I had to.

I was turning into Aly Sheedy from The Breakfast Club.

Vinegar rinses were helping but not enough. No one wants to see a grown housewife scratching her head like she has lice.

All in all, my thoughts on The Curly Girl Method are as follows:

I actually love not using shampoo. I probably will continue NOT using shampoo nine out of ten times. My hair is much softer without it, less coarse, and I think it may even be growing better, cross my fingers and pray the rosary, amen.

I never followed the two conditioner rule. Seemed like a waste of time to me. I also never bothered with the don't-use-a-towel rule, for two reasons: I hate microfiber almost as much as I hate shadow boxes, and when I walked around the house with a tshirt (the other CG preferred method) wrapped around my locks, my husband started to referring to me as "Swami."

I was blow drying, upside down with a diffuser. I was also washing my hair upside down, which gave me a frightening view of Gloria, my muffin top, but also gave me a bit more volume and the curls up top formed better.

Although the curls looked pretty, my hair is not very thick and I was starting to notice scalp peeking through when my hair was "clumping" and curly. Not pretty.

But the main reason I'm only doing the CGM half-@$%ed is because I hate washing my hair everyday and I could not for the life of me get the curls to look decent on Day #2 or 3. If I straighten things out a bit with a wide barrel curling iron, I can go 4 days without washing. And that makes me a happy, happy camper.

Amen.

For cutting your own hair (yes, I do this. I hate getting my hair cut. I find the leaning over backwards while washing excruciatingly painful, hair stylists cannot be trusted with scissors, and I despise staring at myself in a mirror for that long), I recommend Miss CurliLocks video on youtube. I do NOT recommend my son's method:

Other beauty products and hints I've been loving lately:

Soap. I don't do froufrou body washes. I love, love, LOVE the smell of soap! It's probably bad for my skin but I love the smell of clean. Caress is what my mom has bought for years so it smells like her house, too. A bonus, although if they start making a Scone scent, that'd be an even bigger bonus.

Tights and boots. Gloria is more comfy in tights and a skirt than she is in jeans most of the time. My boots are black and not these pictured above. I forgot: I have a camera now. I can quit stealing other people's images. For other style ideas I love, try to copy, and drool over, visit my Pinterest style board.

Ulta lip crayon. Moisturizing and not too spendy (especially with a coupon). I've been loving red lately, but that may be due to my heroine, Lizzie, and her red lipstick.

The only deodorant that kept up with my Nutcracker schedule.

Olive oil for face wash. I know I've said it before, but if you aren't using the Oil Cleanse Method, why not? You should.

Also, I've heard good things about detoxing juices and smoothies, and even things like cayenne pepper/apple cider vinegar/honey tonics, for weight loss and such, but I really can't recommend enough my own personal coffee/half and half/sharp cheese/ice cream/merlot tonic. It'll make you live longer and put a glow in your cheeks.

You're welcome.

What are YOUR favorite beauty tricks/products/routines?

The Post Where I Talk About My Augmentation

Yep. You read it right. I've been thinking about it for a long while, and it has finally come to this. I never thought I'd be one of those gals who couldn't get confident about the way the good Lord made her. I've heard things like, I just want to enhance what I have, or Just a smidge bigger: nothing too noticeable or ridiculous, and I thought to myself, sure, sure, we all know you're just making excuses for your poor self body image.

But, honestly, now I get it. I really do. If this is what it takes to:

1. Make my shirts fit better

2. Make me feel more like a woman

and

3. Get rid of the excess fabric in my dresses

Then, yes! Why not?

My husband is behind me. My sister and mother are behind me, because they too, suffer bad DNA and genes in this department. We may go in as a trio actually. Get a punch card or something.

I'm not sure about the whole silicone thing, but oh well. It'll be worth it when my purse fits snugly, the way it's meant to.

Now all I have to do is find a doctor to do the procedure.
Turns out there's not a lot of call for shoulder implants. Who knew?

What? What'd you think I was talking about?

Oh, if only I had been an adult in the '80s. Perhaps shoulder pads will come back.

Gloria in a nudist colony

So, I don't wanna do laundry anymore. It never ends, and that's depressing. I mean, I like the dumping in the washer part just fine, and the soap part, but then I'm way over it and I just want to sit around and bemoan Lady Mary and Matthew for a while. Maybe Pinterest something. I don't wanna sort underpants.

So, I thought we could join a nudist colony. It seems the only logical thing to do, and also very green, which is very hipster of me considering I don't even recycle. But I care deeply about the planet, goshdarnit!

But, the thing is, I don't want to join a Fit nudist colony, it'd have to be Frumpy nudist colony. Maybe a nudist colony/fat camp? Do they have those? If not, they should. It'd be motivating for the members, although it'd backfire on me. They'd all be out doing deep knee bends and squats and I'd be eating cheese. Pretty soon, it'd be a Fat Camp for one and that's hardly a camp, people.

On the other hand I don't know what Gloria, my muffin top, would do if I gave her room to breathe, and frankly, the idea is a little terrifying. I can keep her under control with some flat tab Yoga pants, or some jeans in a size that some mature adults would call, too small, or some high waist-ed granny panties. If I gave her room to, you know, maneuver, she might spread or something, like Jabba the Hut. She could ooze into things, like small children and puppies, and also, she hasn't quite forgiven me for the Waxing Incident of Which I Do Not Speak (just write about), and she may get revenge yet.

Also, this would be a family affair and Gianni especially, should not be encouraged to flaunt his birthday suit. He already speaks of body parts with disturbing nonchalance, usually at the most inopportune times. Like when conversing with pastors ("did you know weenies can grow?!") or swinging at the park (while shouting, "underdogs make my weenie tickle!")

My other idea, if the whole nudist colony doesn't pan out (or if they reject our application for membership), is disposable clothing. I came up with this idea when I had babies and they were constantly pooping out their onesies and making yellow stains all over creation. Pop-up onesies that come in a tissue box!

How do I get on Shark Tank?

Another application? Really? Forget it.

Or I could just finish the laundry and threaten to cut the next person who casually flips their socks into my empty hamper. I am always harping on everyone about how you never need to wash jeans. Okay, not NEVER never, but MOSTLY never. I can go weeks without washing my jeans, but I confess it's not just because I fret about the planet, it's because I hate that dance you have to do to get back inside them after washing.
You know the one:

shimmy, shimmy, shake, pour, groan, kick, stretch, gasp, cry, ooze, shimmy, nap, suffocate, whimper, pep talk Gloria. 

This is why homeschool moms wear denim jumpers. No, not because they're fashion challenged, but because they don't the time for such nonsense; they're too busy blogging homeschooling. Also, they're too busy writing letters to the Homeschool Association about rejecting my membership. I think they feel threatened by Gloria or something.

curly girl

A year or so back, you'll remember, I did the No 'Poo thing. I made it about 6 weeks, then I succumbed to the temptations of the hair aisle at Rite-Aid once again, and went on a binge of sweet smelling shampoos. I seriously fell off the wagon, hard. I was hiding Cucumber and Melon Smoothing Shampoos in the back of the toilet, and Gardenia Frou-Frou Delight Conditioner under the bed. Everyone pretended not to notice how jumpy I was, and chalked my shaky hands and twitchy eyes up to withdrawal symptoms.

Anyway, my pal, Tawni, is trying the Curly Girl method with her hair, so I said I'd jump on the band wagon with her, because after all, what are friends for, if not for jumping onto beauty band wagons? But because I have absolutely no will power at all, and change my mind frequently, and will be tortured by visions of flat ironed locks even in my sleep, I am writing this down so you all can keep us accountable.

Also, she doesn't blog.
And I don't have a camera.
So, if you were hoping for before and after glamour shots, you'll have to visit us both in person. It'd be cool, wouldn't it, to document, but hey, here are basic, sort of Before Shots:

This is Me

This is Tawni

As you can see, we are prone to frizz, and Raman noodle type curls.

Both of us have very similar hair, and both of us experienced weirdness of the follicle kind after giving birth. She just had a wee babe, a daughter I like to call Melyssa, but they don't. So, post partum, her hair weirdness is really kicking in. I just had a wee babe recently sorta 5 years ago, but I'm still adjusting to my particular weirdness.

As are all of you.

I blame celebrities, by the way, for why us curly haired girls hate our hair. We have ironed the heck out of it in our misguided attempts to look like Gwyneth Paltrow, and instead we end up with huge biceps from the blow dryer, and frizzed out, dried out, haystacks for hair. Sometimes I touch my hair and remember we're out of Shredded Wheat.

So, basically the Curly Girl Method is something along the lines of this:

1.  DON'T shampoo. Use conditioner instead (yep, even on your scalp).  If you get too greasy after a while, you can wash with baking soda, but from everything I've read, you'll be surprised.

2.  Use lots of conditioner. Of course, botanical, all natural, no sulfate is best. Here's what I got, because it said No Sulfates and No Silicones right on the bottle, and also because it was under $4 for a giant bottle:

3. Use No Silicone gel. Or get wild and crazy like Tawni, and don't use any products at all. I'm not ready to be so wild and crazy yet. So, I bought this:

As far as styling goes, I guess you do what floats your boat. Blow dry, or don't, just try not to touch your curls as much as possible. This is key. Don't EVER brush curly hair, people. All of us with curly hair already knows this basic fact, but just in case... Comb through gently when hair is super wet, and that's it.


Well, we'll see. In just a few weeks, I expect our After shots to look a little something like these

This is Me

This is Tawni




My hubby should be thrilled because every time I straighten my hair, he sighs and says, you just ruined a perfectly good hairstyle. 
My students will not be thrilled, because every time I leave my hair curly, they squint up at me and say, what happened to your hair? Did you forget to brush it today?

Also, I'm not super thrilled with curly hair the length my hair happens to be at the moment, and will be for at least a year beyond now, because my hair grows at the Speed of Snail. It's not short, but it's not long, so basically what I get, if I'm not super careful and if I don't flat iron (like I want to already...awk! help! I'm falling off the wagon again! I wanna be Gwyneth!) it can look like a fuzzy pyramid.

Well, I'm off now. Off to NOT shampoo and NOT flat iron. For at least a couple weeks. Then I fully expect to give up and give in to the desire to run my fingers through my hair again, instead of getting them lodged halfway in a mass of tangles.

Who's with me, girls? (We all know your hair ain't that straight naturally).
Join us? (I'll even let you be Catherine Zeta Jones on my blog).