Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Why Walmart is the Devil's Lair

No, it's not their shady practices.

The way they take over the world, one yellow smiley face at a time.

It's not their greeters, or their lack of greeters.

It's not even their clientele. 

They are the MOST expensive store in the world.

Worse than Macy's!
Worse than Dillard's!
Worse than Whole Foods!

Lemme give you a rundown:

Oranges: $50
Face wash: $50
Loaf of bread: $50
Gum: $50
Swing set: $50

That's right, everything in Walmart is $50.

This is the only explanation for why I can drop by for a lemon and three bobby pins and spend $50. 

I hate Walmart. 

Oh, while I'm here I'll just pick up some paper towels.

Well, we'll run out of trash bags eventually. Might as well grab four boxes.

It's not like we'll ever stop using toilet paper; guess I'll grab some.

Oh, look! shoes!

And what do we have? A fifty dollar lemon.

I won't go back! You can't make me! I don't care how badly I need dog food, scotch tape, and bread crumbs! I will go to Dog Food R Us, the Scotch Tape Factory, and Bread Crumbs Unlimited! 

Who's with me?! 

Friday, September 21, 2012

The Great Pumpkin

Holy grownin' kids, Batman, I just realized that those photos on my sidebar of those three adorable gremlins ARE A YEAR OLD!

Here lies my children's childhood.

Why don't you just grow up and run away and leave me to become the crazy cat lady, who pushes baby dolls around in a stroller, why don't you, children of mine?

Holy cow.
They're getting older.

Somebody make it stop!

Also, somebody make Genesis return from Ireland - the land of death and pestilence and horror and lack of Melyssas - so she can carve punkins and take photos, like last year and every last year for the past 12 years.

In the Great Pumpkin's Name,

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

what I've been doing

Not working on the sequel to Shadows Gray. You'd think, since I consider it daily, that I would actually follow through, wouldn't you? Alas. You'd be wrong. I'm worried. You see, it's not about's about Rose and a new character. I think my readers - all four of them - will be mad. I don't like making people mad. It turns the warm fuzzies in my tummy into butterflies. I need those four readers to continue loving me. They're all I've got.

Giving myself a scalp massage with coconut oil and tea tree oil. My hair has been so incredibly coarse and rough lately, and I found THIS RECIPE from Pinterest for Cora who I am beginning to think has psoriasis. I can't get her in to see a dermatologist until January, so we tried this. I had some left over and zowie, my hair is soft as a baby's bum now. I definitely recommend it if your hair is coarse, overly processed, or like me: coarse AND overly processed. Just make sure you shampoo twice after; otherwise you'll look like you went swimming in a vat of butter.

Bought Anna's Halloween costume (that sound you hear is the vacating of very conservative homeschoolers who heard I had a good blog, but just left in disappointment) at Goodwill; a wedding dress to be the Corpse Bride. It's a size 18. In women's. Umm, yes, let's just say that my sewing machine will be getting a work out. But it was only $10 including the great veil, so I'm pretty sure I can make it work. I think. Maybe. Ahem.

Considered giving up my two cups of coffee with cream and glass of wine. Cutting back to putting milk in my coffee and only having some vino on the weekends. You know, so I could maybe drop ten a year...without exercising LIKE I PROMISED I WOULD HERE. But then I thought... nah. I'd rather be fluffy and who will take care of Gloria if I don't? A year of deprivation does not a happy mommy make.

Had coffee and a scone with my Alaskan friend, Camille, who I MET HERE...that was going to be a clickable link, too, but I can't find the original post. I must have deleted it due to it being written during an interesting time in our lives, you know the one. I probably said something like, we dared to crack a smile at our group home kids, and subsequently felt I must delete since that of course, was a no-no.

Mike has been cast in The Nutcracker this year, as Clara's father. He is now leaping through the house, practicing his jazz hands and making Anna very nervous. He warned the ballet studio's owners,

You know how every performer wants to be the Triple Threat? * I'm just a Double.

* a Triple Threat is a singer who can dance and act, or an actor who can dance and singer, or a dancer who can sing and act. You pick the two Mike is adept at.

Yesterday, at 4:32 or thereabouts, the following happened simultaneously:

  • I boiled over some poaching chicken, resulting in that icky smell and tough mess and frantic bubbling sound as the broth hits the stove top,

  • the phone rang,

  • Gianni threw a ball and knocked over this interesting bubble thermometer that Cora got from my grandmother. It's like a sealed vase and has these odd colored glass balls inside that have temperatures on them: when they float you can see how hot it is in the house. Anyway, we'd had this family heirloom for a grand total of three weeks before Pooky Head demolished it. It crashed to the hardwood in a spectacular fashion, sending shards of glass everywhere within a 500 foot radius, and the water - though I cleaned it up as quickly as a bare footed girl could - warped the floor. Sorry, landlords. 

  • I forgot that I had a breakfast casserole in the oven (make ahead breakfast for Mike, who is working an earlier shift). In spite of forgetting, I got it out in time. Yay, me.

  • The dog's paw started bleeding again. His toenails are gone, from some mysterious episode last week, and the bandages came off a few days ago. Maybe he stepped on the glass. Who knows. He's a close mouthed doggy. Very strong, silent, unemotional type.

Anyway, that all happened at the exact same time. Just another evening at the Williams' house.

I haven't been sleeping well for some reason, and my dreams these past three nights have consisted of (but not limited to):

  • my dad wrangling a posse with Andy Kohler and shooting some guy, avenging angel type, while the rest of us covered it up, but debated turning them in,
  • Cora and I being stuck in a house with a crazy killer chasing us (this was the night we watched The Grey and there was a yucky preview of some Elizabeth Olsen horror movie with this premise, so I'm blaming Elizabeth Olsen. She should have done dumb sitcoms like her sisters and not scared me half to death in my sleep).
  • my friend, Heather, bringing like five weenie dogs in my house (I have no theories for this one)
  • my kindle was found floating in the bathtub
  • other scariness that I no longer recall, but made me cuddle up with Mr. Double Threat in fear.
The Grey was kinda dumb.

The end.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Behind the Pain Lies a Sandwich

Once upon a time, I had this baby. At first she was on the inside, then of course, she had to come out. Waving a cookie in front of my belly didn't bring her out, neither did caster oil, jumping up and down, bumpy car rides, spicy food, getting amorous, or any of the hundreds of other "helpful," "fool proof," ideas the population of the world told me about. Very funny, population of the world, very funny indeed.

After a million hours of torture (I'm keeping it vague cuz my sister-in-law is pregnant and I don't want to scare her off in case she's reading la la, it was a beautiful birth! A lovely experience! Why, it didn't hurt at all! It was like mild PMS!) and an emergency C-section, I was sent to recovery. After surgery they give you drugs, and they also continue to give you Pitocin, which is the Anti-Christ, in order to keep your contractions going so you can get your uterus back into shape. Or something. I was on drugs. Whatever. I know they had removed the human being from my insides, stitched me back up, and I was still having contractions. Which wouldn't have been a big deal since I was on drugs, except I wasn't anymore, because my I.V. had busted and all my lovely drugs were pooling on the floor. Unbeknownst to me or the staff. I just knew I hurt like hell and since this wasn't my first rodeo, I knew something wasn't right.

By the time we discovered the broken I.V. and the nurses turned me into Swiss cheese looking for a vein, I was behind the pain.

Being behind the pain is not good. Not fun. I wanted death. Smooth and quick. I did not care that there was a helpless babe lying to my side somewhere, nor that I was too young to die. I didn't care that I hadn't sky dived (dove?) yet, nor gone to Europe, nor gotten a tattoo, nor tried caviar...I didn't care. Give me death.

Catching up with the pain meant a Morphine Clicker. I'm sure it has a name, but I don't know what it is, so we'll just call it a Morphine Clicker. I got to click it something like every three minutes or something, for another jolt. In a little while (three or four years. I think the wee babe was potty trained), when I finally caught up to the pain, I had enough morphine in me to down a horse.

All that to say,

Forgetting to eat breakfast on a busy day, is a little like getting behind the pain.

By the time you realize what's happening, it's too late for an easy fix. There's no catching up until some food hits your belly, and not only hits your belly, but your blood sugar stabilizes.  And by then, you're behind on everything else: the chores, the schooling, the to-do list. Everything's behind and you can't catch up. The slightest "wrong" in your day sends you into hopeless oblivion. What might have been a minor setback yesterday sends you shrieking through the house on a broomstick.

A Coffee and Sandwich Clicker would be an excellent invention for those moments.

That is all.

Monday, September 10, 2012

SAHMs - Heavy Weight Champs or Bullies?

I was reading a lovely post by a lovely blogger (mrs. darcy) and since I recently had an article published about Mommy Wars, it got me thinking about ANOTHER Mommy War:

SAHMs (that's Stay At Home Mom for you people living under a rock. Or men)


Working Mothers.

Yes, yes, I know all mothers are working mothers. That's not what this is about, silly.

The pendulum that swings on this is wide, loud, heavy, and will smack you in the face if you get too close. But let's do it anyway...

(And if you are comfortably in the middle, or even on the far side of one or the other, but not judgmentally in anyone's faces, then you can leave right now and go eat some cookies).

Mmm. Cookies.

The two extremes are these:

1. SAHMs who are smug and self righteous, while secretly hating tiny parts of their lives


2. Working mothers who are smug and self righteous, while secretly hating tiny parts of their lives.

Since it's no secret that SAHMs have felt looked down on by the ultra feminist movement, who thinks they (the SAHMs) are setting them back about a century with their love of bread baking, sewing, homeschooling, and apron wearing, we're gonna explore the other side. I know, surprising, huh? You didn't think I'd take the other side, didja?! Ha! The Blogging Ninja struck again...

The other side is this:

The way super conservative SAHMs make Working Mothers feel. Since I've been one, I feel like I can talk. And of course this doesn't apply to everybody - that goes without saying. But I said it anyway. So don't leave me nasty comments. Just pretend I'm talking to my bad self, not you.

For the very conservative, typically religious, SAHMs (of whom I have been one), here are some things you should know about SOME Working Mothers:

1. While you are making it work on your husband's income, not everybody can. Yes, I can hear you saying, give up your car payment, downsize your house, don't take vacations, shop used, put back the organic fruit, etc.  But you know what? Some have done all that, and their husband's income still doesn't pay the bills. Jobs do not grow on trees in this economy, and sometimes we take what we can get. Sometimes this means your college educated man takes a job with less per hour than he made right out of high school. I know you THINK everyone can do it, but that's just not the case. Is it the case in MOST cases? Yes, you're probably right. But it's not the case in my case, and it's not the case in other's cases. We literally could not make the budget if I didn't work. And guess what? We don't have any debt. We don't have car payments, we never vacation, we don't wear new clothes, we get our hair cut at the beauty college, we rent a small house. We are simply under-employed.

2.  Some don't have the fairy tale marriage you have (or claim you have on FB. Haha! Joking). Not every man is the Picture of Respectability. There are things you don't know about women's marriages, and they could be one of the reasons why she isn't staying at home. For instance: if there's threat of divorce, how long will the dream of staying home last? Or maybe he's just not into this SAHM point of view.

3. Some women genuinely feel that they are better moms for working. I know. This is a tough one for moms who spring on fairy wings through their houses, dusting, planting kisses on their well behaved offspring, and never having a bad day. But for some, those bad days aren't very few and far between. Do I think women should think long and hard about having children and dropping them off at daycare? Yep, and yep, and GOOD HEAVENS YEP.  I knew a gal who would take her kids to daycare on the days she DIDN'T work. This was so sad to me. I didn't understand it then, and I don't understand it now. But it doesn't mean the Working Mother loves her kids less than you do. I repeat: it doesn't mean she loves her kids less than you do. I know it feels like it to you, but it's simply not true. What if they love with a fierce, exhausted, passionate, busier kind of love than you feel? It isn't less than your coloring book, read aloud, SAHM kind of love. It's just different. Maybe they're scared of who they are when the walls of home are closing in on them. Maybe they feel like they neglect their kids when they're right in front of them, and do better when they get a chance to miss them a bit (I've felt this. Is it right? Probably not. But I think it's a common struggle. Did you know homeschooling SAHMs can neglect their children? They can).

Am I saying everyone should be a working mother? No. Do I think Moms should want/desire/TRY their best to stay home with their children? Yes. But is it helping to look down our noses at one another? Aren't we wasting our children's childhoods with patronizing judging when we could be meeting each other at the park, coffee in one hand, toddler's hand in the other? Whether it's in between naps, or in between meetings at the office, we all need it.

If every mom stayed home around the clock, where would you take Little Sue when she needed ballet classes? Who would show Annie that women can be fire fighters, too? Who would read aloud to Jake if library story hour went away?

This is the most feminist I've ever sounded...and I haven't been a feminist since third grade. Ironically enough, I don't have time to read over this and decide if it's worth publishing...because I have to go to work! HA! How's that for funny?

Have you ever felt like you perched on one side of the pendulum? Can there be a balance? Have you felt hit in the head by someone on the other side of the debate?

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Back to Skool

So, today was the much dreaded anticipated First Day of School. 

I have had a bad attitude for about a week, a month, this year the not so distant past, and half our curricula is somewhere in Kentucky.

Major Hayward - "There is a war on, how is it that you are going to Kentucky?"
Hawkeye - "Well, i face north, and real sudden like, i turn left"
(Last of the Mohicans)

Hopefully, our vocabulary and science will make a sudden left soon. I mean, a sudden right. Wait. Did I buy any geography?

Anyway, I attempted to get my flying around on a broomstick under control, and here's how our day went:

The Good:

Anna was cheerful all day, and Gianni was very obliging as far as not flushing anything important down the toilet/scalping any chickens/stuffing beans up his nose.

The kids aren't on Facebook so they don't know I'm supposed to dress them up in their new clothes (of which they don't own any), hold up their cool lunch boxes and trendy backpacks (of which they don't own any), and take a photo with a delightfully witty caption, like all the good moms do (of which they don't own one).

not my kids

more like my kids. Except these girls look they comb their hair.

The Bad:

The girls wrote (in black Sharpie) on the front of their brand spankin' new notebooks, "Writting," and "Whriting," respectively.

I considered quitting.

Their dad is in charge of history and bible, and he planned circles around me.

I considered quitting.

The Ugly:

There was a nekked four year old sitting atop the table for a while. At least he was freshly bathed.

The Verdict:

If we quit now, we'll end on a high note.
We managed to get everything done, but like I said, half our stuff was MIA, and today is my only day off work, so it SHOULD have been an easy day. Hence, the stifling silence that would normally be filled with the smacking sound of me slapping myself on the back in a congratulatory fashion.

How'd your first day of school go?