Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Date night

Yesterday husband mine and I decided to sneak out and do some much needed, overdue, and desperate homeschool planning/scheduling. In case you haven't noticed, we have been homeless for 3 months now, and occasionally the stress of trying to educate these here chitlins have made me a little stressed. Maxed out. Frustrated. Itching to chew off some one's face. You know the feeling. Anywho, after a day of wanting to eat my young, Mike saw my frustration and despondency and also noticed that his children take about eight billion times longer to write a report than is logically necessary, seem to retain any and all knowledge of math facts for about as long as guacamole stays green, and have a strange knack for using their school supplies as forts or weapons or anything other than what they're meant for, he offered to be a love and help me plan out a better schedule. What follows is a typical date night for a dozen year married couple who are unemployed (in Greenland) and living on people's goodwill and couches, who have three offspring who are there every time they turn around, and whose names rhyme with Ike and Clarissa. Ok. Maybe it's just us. But this is how it goes for us.

Wifey is looking a little haggard. A little twitchy. A little like her face might open up to reveal a fire breathing shrew at any moment. Better take Wifey out without the company of little angels. Better do it right now. Better not even take the time to put on shoes. For the love of God, man, HURRY!

It's raining in southern Oregon, and dark. Turn the wrong direction. Wifey doesn't miss a beat and points it out. Head to a dollar store to buy a day planner with which to plan our schedule. Can't find a dollar store. Finally find a dollar store a half hour later. Doesn't have any day planners. Wife begins to snarl. Well, Walmart has everything, right? Let's go to Walmart. Found the Walmart. Can't find the school supplies/office section. Circle the entire store 3 times, while Hubby groans something about the word shopping, uttered in a lifeless, hopeless mutter. Wonders if he has been suckered. Was this all a plan of Wifey's? An evil genius plan to get Hubby to, gulp, shop? Was the bra section next? The cosmetics aisle? God forbid, the feminine products section? Hubby tries to slink away out an emergency exit. Oh good, there's the office supplies. They were right where it should have been and where we had passed it 3 times. One time we were standing right next to as we complained about the lack of it's existence. Pick out $5 day planner and a pack of forty #2 pencils (which will be misplaced in less than the time it takes to sharpen them). Pick out a checkout line. Picked out the wrong line. Oh so wrong. So very, very wrong. As Christmas came and went and we aged approximately 12 years, we slowly edged up in line. Of course the other lines moved along smoothly but every time we considered switching something (was it hope? optimism?) pulled us back in. Finally, and I do mean finally, it was our turn and we pay and head back with our walkers and canes to the parking lot which by this time is empty of everything but one lone minivan with Wyoming plates and a tumble weed. Now, we think, comes the fun part! The part where we head to a coffee shop and plan out the future of our tiny scholars. Turn the wrong direction. Get stuck in a parking lot trying to turn around but everywhere we turn we find curbs and one way streets going, of course, the wrong way. Wifey snits (that's what you do when you're in a snit) and Hubby wishes he remembered his blood pressure medication. Eventually find coffee shop. It's closed. Head back to tiny scholars with no new flawless plan to forward their education. Hope they don't mind. Hope it won't all come out on a shrink's couch someday that their parents spent minuscule amounts of time teaching them improper fractions and lots of time watching Lost and drinking.


  1. That seems about normal for you two.

  2. All I can say is that you have to blame Ike, Tike, or Nike, for the kids' lack of response, because obviously you were an exceptional homeschooler and practically perfect in every way. Whoops, forgot the pathological hatred of everything test and math related. But, verbal? Yeminitlies, you could write up the weather report and we'd all not only love it, but believe it.

  3. And I thought I was alone. You make me feel all organized in the middle of my "heap of desk," surrounded on all sides by stuff with barely enough room to push the chair back and get away from the desk without knocking something over. I need to be thankful for my pile of action items.

    Hang in there Melyssa. February is a hard month for ALL homeschoolers and thats for those of us who are not wandering nomads for the time being. It is only natural that your craziness is extending into March. Besides, you can't home school without a home. So, you'll need to adjust your expectations and work on getting the home part taken care of. I'll be praying for you.

    Think "summer school." :) (or maybe even - boarding school? tee hee)

  4. ahhhh! The word homeless just really freaked me out! I have an image of Cora and Anna dressed in potato sacks selling home remedies door to door dragging a dirty half clothed Gianni behind them for extra sympathy...Oh wait, that was actualy an episode of Little bad.

  5. Sounds so like my last trip to Walmart! Why is every line I stand in at Walmart the Wrong Line?? And heaven forbid you try to do the self check out. It's just as Larry The Cable Guy says when he makes fun of it! =) Rednecks grunting, pushing buttons! Oy, and I went the night before Easter with my friend last time. What were we thinking?? All of their dumbest employees are working during the holidays, so we were in line for like an hour, even though there were only 2 people ahead of us!! ARGH!

    And don't worry about the homeschooling thing. We were Unschoolers growing up. Mom let us go to the library, pick out our own books on whatever subjects we liked, we could watch as much TV as we wanted as long as it was PBS or something educational, we hardly ever sat down and did organized "schoolwork", we wrote about whatever we pleased (even if it was just 50 page letters to our pen palls or silly stories) and I still somehow managed to make straight A's in college. Never mind that I didn't learn to read until I was 9 (even though my little sis was reading novels by 4)! I caught up just fine. That just goes to show that they teach absolutely nothing in public school, so you have nothing to worry about! =) Trust me, I worked at one for 6 years. I am sure your kids are all plenty bright, so don't stress. Just ask them what they are interested in learning about. Then think of a way you can incorporate math, science, history, English, or whatever subject into it. Interest-based, themed curricular learning is the most fun, easiest, and yields the most retention. Or you can just do what I do and bribe them with candy for pages of work completed in their books. Yes, I know, I am a horrible parent, but whatever works, right? ;)Plus, that is just temporary until I run out of candy left over Easter candy, then I have to find a new way of motivating them... A planner! You are so much more organized then me. I think I wrote something in a planner...once. =)

  6. i love reading your writing! you make me laugh waaaay too much... in fact i say forget the jogging idea and take up reading your own blog! i'm sure i lost three pounds on this post alone!! thank you!