Chores

I like chores.  Much more so now a days than back when I had to do them all.  I remember playing Cinderella with my sister when we had to clean the bathroom.  I remember washing dishes before, gasp, there were dishwashers.  Well, there probably were dishwashers, just not in our house.  We also had a party line, so maybe we were just behind the times...I remember listening in on strangers' conversations but they were so boring, it made the whole experience less than titillating.  Anyway, where was I going with this?  Right.  Chores. 


LOVE THEM.


My firstborn is mowing the lawn.

Actually, that makes me slightly nauseous. How can that sweet little bumpkin be old enough to push around heavy machinery?  What if she mows off her foot?  What if she gets trapped underneath the mower like Sissy Spacek in that Mel Gibson movie that took like, five years off my life and I watched through my trembling hands?  Ok, that was a tractor, but still.  What was the name of that movie anyway?  I'm emotionally exhausted just thinking about that.

The first person to tell me the name of that movie gets a kitchenaid mixer!

Not really.

Do I look like the Pioneer Woman?

But back to chores.  Anna is doing dishes and she is terrified of soggy food left in the bottom of the sink that some turkey dumped in there instead of the garbage.  You'd think it had the power to come to life and grab and pull her down the drain, or turn her hand into some slashed up shriveled crone's hand or something the way she is carrying on.


Gianni doesn't do many chores yet.  He mostly squishes frogs.  And gets stung by hornets.  I forgot to tell you all that one.  He got jumped by a swarm of yellow jacket thugs last week: two on his face right below his eye and one on his chubby little baby hand.  He swelled.  I grabbed the never used EpiPen Jr. and rushed to WalGreens to ask advice of the 13 year old Middle Eastern pharmacist who thought I was asking how much Bendryl to give him, not WILL BENADRYL SAVE MY POOKIE'S LIFE??? which was really what was I asking her.  Anyway, allergic to bees he is not.  But he did swell and could've used a Phantom of the Opera mask for a couple days.  He was Quasimodo-ish.


And while my children do chores, I relax and change the locks.  We even have teenagers now to take out the trash and mop and clean bathrooms.  Heck, I just made two batches of zucchini bread, one of banana, and one of banana chocolate chip, and do you think I shall be cleaning up the kitchen?  I think not.   I should probably take up soap opera watching and bon-bon eating. 




Mike and I are beginning to decide what to put in The Binder here at the group home.  Every house family gets to write their own binder with their particular rules.  The things are THICK.  Everything you could think of is in there, in writing.  That way, when things go amiss or the kids run all over you, you can yell, 'Knock that off!  It's in The Binder!'  We're constantly threatening to put all sorts of things in there, because once they're in there and written in stone, it's like gospel.  At least that's what we tell them.  I heartily recommended every one of you moms and dads get yourself a binder.  While I am some what limited in what I can put in there, due to pesky state laws, you could get away with all sorts of things.  Thou shalt not fart, is one that comes to mind.  Or:  the designated trash taker outer has better replace the trash bag or he/she is in danger of having their arms pulled off and beaten soundly about the head and shoulders with them.  Or:  all children must learn the art of cocktail making and serving.  All of these I alas, cannot put in my binder, but you're welcome for the ideas.  Kinda makes you want to have more kids, doesn't it?


On other notes, according to spell checker, 'could've' is not a word.  Huh?  Say what?  Have I been butchering the English language for years and not realizing it?  Me, who can't hardly use slang and abbreviations even in texting because it annoys my grammatically correct brain?  Have you EVER seen me use "LOL?"  No, and you never will.  Once in a while, if I'm texting while (confession time) driving, I will not correct a spelling error or I'll put "ur" instead of "your," or "thnx" instead of "thanks" but even that causes me to break out in hives and risk losing my life to rectify it.  Wouldn't is in the spell check.  Shouldn't is in there.  I'm is in there.  And what is it called when you shorten a word using an apostrophe anyway?  It's not a conjunction...what is it?  Just bad English?

The first person to tell me gets a Rolex.

Nah, not really.