Saving money is an art form. I thought I was good at it, but it turns out I am simply good at not spending it. This alone does NOT, in fact, mean I have heaps and heaps of the stuff under my floor boards. Alas. But here are some ways I've found to save a buck and you're welcome, little students, for the tips:
1. If you rinse off the toddler's boogers from the paper towel you used to blow his nose, you can totally use the same paper towel to wipe the table. Who's with me? Can I get an amen? Hello?
2. If you are in the J.C. Penney dressing room and you are the only one there and you find a Mary Kay lipstick on the floor, go ahead and keep it. Now, now, don't get all weird on me; wipe that bad boy off with a tissue (or that same paper towel) and plop it in your purse. Your Magenta lips will thank you someday when you need a little pick-me-up. I think I just heard the sound of divorce papers rustling...honey? HONEY! Fine. I'll throw it away. But do you KNOW how expensive Mary Kay is? I was only thinking of our cosmetic budget after all.
3. If you have a guest house that numerous people have stayed in and you are responsible for cleaning that guest house and you find a facial moisturizer in that same guest house, go ahead and keep it. I mean, even if you could figure out who it had originally belonged to, it's not so important that you would be obligated to mail it back to them, right? I mean, it would be shameful to waste. How many Olays had to be oiled to get that consistency and creamy texture anyway?
4. Clothes pins make excellent baggy clips for things like chips and half full bags of frozen peas and such.
5. I've tried the no shampooing thing. Yes, this is a thing. Evidently, us Americans especially wash our hair freakishly often and use really bad things on our hair to do it. Besides, anything that involves getting my hair wet as infrequently as possible and is free to do, I am all in. At least until 6 weeks later when I start to resemble Ali Sheedy in The Breakfast Club. I finally gave in and that crazy soft hair you get from a creamy conditioner was heavenly indeed. So although I can't do the no 'poo thing, I do love the dry shampoo you can get at Walmart for a mere $4.77.
6. Never order drinks when you go out to eat.
7. Or just never go out to eat.
8. Have at least one short, undersized child who can wear the same size clothes for years on end until they fall apart. Sorry, Roosky. Maybe someday you'll grow and you can have a new skirt or something.
9. Buy all your family's clothes used. Even socks. I draw the line at underwear. Oh OK, fine, my husband drew the line at underwear. Not only did I hear the divorce papers rustling, I heard the pen scratching along the paper as he signed em.
10. Make food from scratch. I've only used a cake mix once, and it made me mad. Add eggs? Oil? Are you kidding me? How is this easier? If I had eggs and oil I wouldn't need a mix, would I? So, Betty Crocker, you what? Added the baking powder in for me? Wow, that's a real time saver right there...Pfft.
11. You could do like my friend, Mariah, who gets an adrenaline rush from the adventure of running out of gas because she sticks like glue to her fuel budget no matter what. Then she calls the cops, and get this, they come pick her up. Yep. Every time. When I run out of gas in the middle of the Utah nowhere, with three small children, one dog, and an ever decreasing in size bladder, and I call the cops, what do you think they do? Oh, they come by all right. They come by to say 'Hope you figure this out soon. Give us a call if no one comes to get you by dark.' Never mind that I don't know a soul in Utah. Never mind that I have used bad language in front of my impressionable youngsters who now need therapy. Never mind that I had to pee in a Dixie Cup in the back of the van, also causing more reasons for the youngsters needing therapy. Never mind that while I managed to squeak out a 911 call, I get no cell reception in Utah. Never mind that this was the same trip that evidently was put together by Satan himself, involving huge freak snow storms, shut down highways, no visibility, no husband to calm my frazzled nerves, a raging yeast infection, and a drive that shoulda taken 1-2 days taking 4. I don't wanna talk about this anymore. The point is, maybe you can save a buck by running out of gas. I, sadly, cannot.
12. You can reuse tea bags. This will not fly in my house because my inner city youths have a British granny inside their tough looking exterior, and not only are they tea lovers, but they have now discovered loose tea. You just haven't lived until you've heard a 6 foot tall black teenager holler across the house,
'YO!! What dog took my tea ball, man??? You young bulls better be keeping outta my Lemon Ginseng Honey FrouFrou or I be takin you down!'
That's at least Part One of my money saving tips. Just call me the Yoda of the thrift shop. Teach you, I will.