Friday, February 11, 2011

My Brain (Tis a silly place)

This week was spent at a Biblical Counseling Training seminar thingajig.  It was fantabulous, but it was also ten hours a day of sitting in the same chair listening to lectures.  Now, here's the part where you all remember something about me.

I
did
not
attend
school.

This sittin in a desk thing is tough.  My handwriting got steadily worse throughout the week, my tailbone I am convinced, is bruised beyond recognition (although I suppose I wouldn't be able to identify my own tailbone in a line up now that I think about it), and I am fully expecting to come down with The Black Lung, which will have passed onto me from the lady across the aisle who was hacking up her kidneys.  My back aches.  My eyes are crossed from concentrating.  Also, I'm concerned I will not retain anything of what my employers spend several hundreds dollars for me to learn.  I refuse to go to staff meeting this week, for fear of being put on the spot.  I can't go anyway.  I have The Black Lung.

My memory is notoriously hideous.  Most people don't remember anything before they were two or three.  I don't remember much of anything from before 1995.  There are some jumbled images of jelly shoes, friendship bracelets (and my mom saying, 'take those nasty things off, you look like a Christmas tree!'), the singer Tiffany, tight jeans with zippers on the ankles, The Cosby Show, and our pet chickens.  My sister says all the time,
'Hey, do you remember when -'  pause.  Sadly shakes her head, 'Nevermind.  Of course you don't.'

The only logical explanation is, I was abducted by aliens at some point.  They erased my memories to use for their own selfish, ill gotten, alien-y, purposes.  Evidently this runs in the family (the abduction thing) because not only is there some whackado alien sighting expert in Texas with the same last name of my maiden name (I'm not kidding, google Landrum), but Gianni has a huge, inexplicable terror of flashing blue lights.  And come on, we all know UFOs have flashing blue lights.  Those I remember, savvy?

Anyway, in attempt to find enough real estate space in my brain, I figure I need to do an inventory of what is taking up all my gray matter and do a little spring cleaning.  Two piles coming up.  One to keep and one to kick to the curb.

THINGS MY BRAIN NEEDS TO KEEP:
1.  Song lyrics.  This kind of knowledge is important because it's amazing how often I need it.  Just the other day I was having a heated debate with four different girlfriends over who sang When I Look Into Your Eyes.  The problem was, they were all thinking of Bad English, which was in fact, correct, but I was thinking of Firehouse's song of the same title (or close) and anarchy ensued.  You are welcome for putting that song in your head.

2.  How to thread a sewing machine.  I just think muscle memory is cool.

3.  How to drive a stick shift.  Because forgetting would be embarrassing.

4.  Long division.  Because it's like the only dang thing I can do on a fifth grader's math homework, so it's really all I can contribute to their education at this point.  Unless they want to thread a sewing machine or know who sang When I Look Into Your Eyes, which in my opinion, is more important than knowing what time the dumb train arrived at the station anyway.  Don't they have train schedules if you have that kind of question?

5.  How to find the best deals EVAH at thrift stores.  This is true knowledge, folks.  Anybody can shop at Walmart.   It takes skillz to shop at Goodwill, and by golly, I have those skillz in spades.

6.  French braiding.  Which is also muscle memory, so I'm not sure it counts, but just in case, I want to keep it.  Because I like doing hairstyles in my sister's hair that make her eyes pull back to the back of her pointy little head and fasten it with a scrunchy (the braid, not her eyes).

7.  Tim McGraw.  Lately he's been looking a little less panicked in there. Sweet little fellow.  A little twitchy, but sweet.

WHAT TO TOSS:

1.  Two years of Latin that MY HOMESCHOOLING TYRANT OF A MOTHER MADE ME TAKE.  I retained nothing actually, so apparently I tossed it all already.  This was proven when Mike asked me once what E Pluribus Unum meant. I yelled out, "Seize the day!"

I don't think I'm college material.

2.  How to tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue.

3.  Every single line in The Princess Bride, Willow, and the Leo DiCaprio version of Romeo and Juliet.  I am too old and too happily married to be crushin on Cary Elwes, Val Kilmer, and Leo anyhow.  Why are you rolling your eyes and bringing up Tim?  This is my blog, you're not allowed to talk.

4.   How to speak Pig Latin.  EizeSay the ayDay!  No, wait.  I don't think that's right.  See?  I DIDN'T EVEN RETAIN PIG LATIN KNOWLEDGE!!!!  There is something wrong with me.  I need a cat scan or something.  Maybe I have amnesia.  Maybe I'm Jason Bourne. Maybe I can kill you four different ways with macaroni.  You'd probably better be nice to me just in case.

That's all for now.  There was more, but I forgot.

14 comments:

  1. Ummm. don't forget that tongue thing!!! It was WAAAAYYYYY Awesome and a good thing I can brag to my friends about!!!! Love You

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  2. Have a wonderful day.

    Love your posts.

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  3. If you ever need to know a line from the old John Wayne version of True Grit, I've got you covered.

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  4. Hey, Hillbilly, I can quote the new one, so together we have half a brain!
    Lyssa.

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  5. I did attend school and that sounds like hell. I love to learn, but I need frequent breaks and interaction.

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  6. Maybe we are sisters after all Melyssa? You're memory sounds a lot like mine. However, I couldn't thread a sewing machine if my life depended on it. :(

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  7. Yeah, I saw a recent picture of Carey Elwes, actually, and age has not been kind to him...Good thing I didn't marry him after all. I was feeling old just looking at it, and decided I would just have to settle for being a cougar and crushing on James MacAvory (who was so charming in Penelope) and Orlando Bloom, but then I saw their profiles on Netflix and realized they are actually the same age as me! So then I felt much better. ;) OK, that was totally random, but I fear my mind is a silly place, too. I still love Johnny Depp, though! Spring must be here or something, or maybe it's just that evil little cupid, but I feel like I'm crushing on everyone lately. But hubby is still number one! I can't remember my list of things to remember and things to toss. But a spring cleaning would probably do my mind some good.

    How do they expect anyone to remember anything when they are forced to sit in a chair all day? When doodling and passing notes to the person next to you or playing with your phone are so much more fun! I'm just sayin'!

    That is totally cool you can tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue! I never could figure out how anyone could do that. Mike is a lucky man. OK, I'm done being silly now until next time. Honest. ;)

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  8. I'm glad that I'm not the only one who forgets things. This brightened my day. :)

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  9. Hey, you can toss Val Kilmer all you want. Leaves more space for Jon......Tim? WHATEVA!

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  10. I love, love, love your wit and wholeheartedly almost agree with everything on your lists ;)

    Thanks so much for finding me at Magical Mouse Schoolhouse! We are giving a FREE t-shirt to our new followers this month, but I couldn't find a contact email addy for you. If you'd be so kind to email me at jodi(@)magicalmouseschoolhouse(dot)com, I'll send one right to ya!

    Thanks & don't forget what I just said!

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  11. I used to love Val Kilmer too, but again, lately... Toss him out. Just keep a small wallet size pic of him as The Saint. It won't take much space.

    -theresa j.

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  12. You made me laugh out loud twice. Thanks for stopping by my blog today.

    I *almost* feel a little bit bad about teaching Latin now.. but not too much. ;)
    The boys love using the roots to figure out big hard words.

    I'm following you on GFC and Networked blogs now.

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