Thursday, May 26, 2011

My (Least) Favorite Things

1.  Strep throat.  I have the world's smallest tonsils (direct quote from a specialist) and yet this particular sickness plagues me.  Not fair. Curse you, Mr Strep, curse you!

2.  Yelling at me across the house.  If you'd like to yell something at me, please feel free to do so right in my ear.

3.  Talking right through a movie or television show.  Yes, Hobbes, I'm talking to you.  I don't care if you are indeed correct about everything under the sun and the whole of TV world and its experts are wrong, keep it to yourself.

4.  Being stuck at something long and boring without a book.  Horrors!

5.  Numbers.  The older I get the more they get mixed up in my mind.  Can you be dyslexic purely with numbers?  This is how bad I am:  if you leave me your phone number on my voice mail, I cannot retain the seven digits for the tiny space of time it takes to hang up the phone and attempt to dial it.  I can't remember a single highway number, and when you live in Michigan there's a new highway every three feet.  They all go to Flint or the Mackinac Bridge evidently.  I get stage fright when I keep score during a card game.  I don't like playing Cribbage because there are too many numbers involved.  Eighteen two, fourteen six, please kill me.

6.  Trying to pick out a pair of sunglasses.  Last year the pair I bought made Mike burst out in mid-sentence, 'I can't take you seriously when you look like Willy Wonka!'

7.  My least favorite movies of all time:  My Super Ex-Girlfriend, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Made of Honor (sorry, Mariah), Gulliver's Travels, Wall-E  (I'm sorry, but I was so bored I wanted to slit my wrists with something dull just for something to do),  The Green Mile (yes, well-done, but I'm still having traumatic flashbacks and it's been a decade), Avatar (why this ridiculous "drama" that made me laugh like it was a comedy managed to win Academy Awards is beyond me.  Again, sorry if I offend anyone there).

8.  Otter Pop wrappers.  They are under piece of furniture.  And the little tippy tops that you have to cut off with scissors?  On every counter.  I'm pretty sure I haven't bought a pack of the little buggers for 2 years...why are they following me?

9.  Fruit snacks.  They're like crack for toddlers.

10.  Intermittent, slow, remarkably frustrating internet connections.  I'm beginning to think it'd be less irritating to not have internet at all than to have internet that works 50% of the time.

11.  Mayo and sweet pickles.

12.  Thinking too hard about where milk and eggs come from.  Honestly I have no problem with thinking about where meat comes from, that's the odd part.

13.  Lying with Gianni until he falls asleep.  I know, I know!!!  I'm supposed to enjoy it.  Stop making me feel guiltier than I already do.  You're here to be supportive, not judgmental, for cryin' in the night.  

14.  The guilt I feel for #13.

15.  Pop music.

16.  When my three year old hollers across a crowded room, 'Are you freakin' kidding me???'  Sigh.  Not to be outdone by "HOLY SNAP!"

17.  Dishes in the sink.  As often as I take a teen or small child or spouse by the hand and lovingly introduce them to the dishwasher and the dishwasher to the teen, small child, or spouse, they just can't seem to get along and instead refuse to acknowledge each others existence.   

18.  Not being able to finish a sentence without interruptions.  Maybe it's a mom thing.  Maybe it's 21st century thing.  Maybe it's a house parenting thing.  But someday I'd like to finish a sentence in whole without hearing 'MOM!' or 'AUNT MELYSSA!'  We tried taping a hand printed sign on our door that said 'If you are not in need of first aid, you will be after knocking on this door.'  It didn't work.

19.  Not being able to follow through on hand printed signs due to pesky state laws and something about child abuse, yadda yadda yadda.



  1. I feel you on the numbers thing. It's ridiculous how long it takes me to remember my OWN number any time it gets changed, and heaven forbid I forget my little club card thingy when I go to the grocery store and have to try and remember one of my PREVIOUS phone numbers to save .25 Cents! Or to save my life, which ever the case may be. So it doesn't matter how good a deal the phone service people offer me, if changing my number is involved, it's a total deal breaker!! Though, I almost converted to a Mormon yesterday when these two sweet Mormon boys knocked on my door and even offered to do my dishes if I take some of their literature and let them tell me about the Book of Mormon. You had me at "do my dishes!" Honestly, the hubby has no idea how much more I would adore and spoil him with affection if he would do just that one chore around the house. Sigh. I'm sorry, but after I finish two + sinks full, I have no energy left for spoiling and adoration and affection. And I think I have lingering feelings of resentment and contempt that he will never do a single dish around here!! Especially when total strangers knock on my door and offer to do them for me. Really, every door to do salesman should try that tactic! Brilliant! Anyway, I digress. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, least favorite things. The lying in bed with the toddler (or in my case, 7 year old who is plagued by nightmares) annoys me too, I am sad to admit, but mainly because I know I am missing out on precious rare sleep!! In my own comfortable bed!! And everyone knows that a sleepy mama is a grumpy mama--or at least, they should have figured that out by now from the death threats! So I don't feel (too) guilty about it. And let me add Dentists and Social Workers to the list of my least favorite things, for making us feel like bad parents, when honestly we are just being honest! And trying to do the best we can with the tooth brushing of obstinate toddlers, and the occasional threats of death or dismemberment thing, which is perfectly healthy and normal parental-child behavior! Besides, they know we are not serious. That's why they never listen to our death threats, but I think they do get the point of how annoyed we are across rather nicely. So there! Thank you for helping me start the morning off with a nice rant. I feel so much better now all that's off my chest.

  2. I can solve 14. for you. I'd feel guilty if I DID lay down with my child to get them to fall asleep. I am NOT a snuggly, stuffy, or any other sleep prop. :)

    I may be able to think of a few worse movies, but those are all definitely down there. I hated "Legends of the Fall." and "Ronin" In fact, I walked out of the latter after paying for a full price theater ticket…

    My milk and eggs get delivered to my door now… how cool is that?!?

    Strep - enemy #1. :( Be careful - I ended up with a strep sinus infection and in the hospital in 2003, with NO tonsils.

  3. Don't feel guilty about #13. I can't stand waiting for my kids to fall asleep. I've started taking a book and book light or my laptop to their room, and lay down in their bed until they are out...

  4. So THAT'S why you had Anna keep score during Quiddler last weekend! Aha! I get it now!

    As for laying with your child? Ya, I don't like it much when you do it either cause it takes away from our wine drinking social hour.

    But then again, I've never been one to put my children to sleep in a short way either. In fact, I'm concerned you learned it from us while shacked up with us last spring. Those Shafers.....bad ju ju.

  5. Celeste, Don't feel bad. I kid you not, I memorized my own phone number wrong all this year. 9 months I was giving out the wrong digits. I only figured it out recently when I tried to call my own house. Ahem. Not embarrassing or anything...
    Lorna, I never laid down with the girls to get them to fall asleep, but the 6 months of infamous unemployment/homelessness pushed me over the edge with G. The poor squirt never knew where he was going to be sleeping or waking up. And I've heard of the movie Ronin, so I guess you weren't the only one who hated it! I kinda liked Legends of the Fall spite of it being TERRIBLY depressing.

    Mariah, I can keep score...just not as lightening fast as you! And I've always marveled at how fast you add on the perfect tip at a takes me like until the next meal.