Sunday, June 3, 2012

Teaching old dogs to make new friends

The other day, the Hubs and I were watching an old episode of Raising Hope, in our jammies, in bed, probably with a handful of crackers, which is pretty much how we roll. Rollin' in Cheezits. It makes our sheets feel like a salad bar, but such is life. I'm probably the only person who snuggles in deeply with her blankie, lulled to la-la land by the scent of Colby, but heck, if that's wrong, I don't want to be right.

Anyway, this episode was about trying to make friends as adults.

As kids, it's difficult enough and we look forward to the day when everything falls smoothly into place, socially speaking. That day never arrives. It never gets easier to make people like you, connect with someone, really feel that chemistry in a totally platonic way; you know what' I'm saying. And as you age, it's not socially acceptable to smack anyone or pull their hair or demand their lunch money in order to show that you want to be bosom buddies. BFFs. They're hard to come by. My personal creed is to make one per decade and then threaten them that if they ever die and leave me, I will ... - uh, well, I'm a little vague on the details. But I'd be super sad. And friendless.

Seeing as how I'm in my mid thirties and if you do the aforementioned math, you'd see that I have three and one half friends. This is accurate. The one half of one friend are those acquaintances who just may be THE NEXT BEST FRIEND OF THIS DECADE. Of course, I cannot decide until the last rose is given and until they've seen me without hair products or in labor, maybe both. Then and only then, is the title of Bestie bestowed. It's a prestigious honor that not just anyone can handle, as it involves the holding of my purse when I use a public restroom, allowing me to be a second mom to your kid, and French braiding my hair. Occasionally. You know, when the occasion calls for it? Oh, never mind.

Sometimes this search for my new buddy adds added pressure to my life. I search the crowds and think, she's here! I just know it! That woman over there has totally gorgeous shoes and I want her for my friend! That woman there has kids just my kid's ages and I want her! No, no, her! No, wait, that one! Everyone stop and pay attention to me so that I can weed out the lovers of thrift shops vs the lovers of malls! Stand still, this is a delicate process! Stop moving! Wait, why are you all moving away from me?

If I could just put together a questionnaire, it'd go something like this:

1. Will you tell me when I have spinach in my teeth? (the correct answer is no. I'd prefer to find out on my own and hope that no one ever noticed).
2. Will you buy my book? (The correct answer is yes. And all you trolls who insisted I put it in paperback are really bringing me down, man. I've sold 4 copies. 4. And three went to immediate family. You're all in trouble. Trolls, I say!).
3. Will you rescue my offspring from certain death on the days when I just need to veg out and calm down and say, NOT commit infanticide? (obviously, the answer is yes as my kids are too cute to die).
4. Will you meet me for movies and flea markets and paint your toenails with me? (Again, obvious answer, yes).
5. Will you answer my texts about underwater basket weaving with excitement and smiley faced emotions? Like, ten times a day?

And so on and so forth.

But anyway, back to Raising Hope. You really must find this episode( it's in the first season and I think it's called Romeo and Romeo...) because I can't do it justice. Suffice to say, I was laughing and laughing so hard I nearly wet the bed, which would have caused an unfortunate soggy salad bar thing.

Because Mike and I have moved far too much, we are forced to make friends. I say forced, because it is truly like pulling teeth. It's like dating. And I  never dated much. Plus, we are too conservative for liberals and too liberal for conservatives, so it's a delicate web we weave. "Wanna come over after church and watch Harry Potter?"  Is that the sound of crickets I hear?  "How about after the Dave Ramsey retreat I buy you a beer?"  Oh, look...a tumbleweed is tumbling by.

Anyhoo, my point is, thanks to new friends and old who have put up with me. Today we had some luffly newbies over and Gianni got kissed. After she kissed him he was a little enamored with her, so when she was on her way to her car to go home, he reached out for her. She walloped him but good and he lay sprawled in the grass for several minutes after. I think he's in love.

It's not any easier with men. Mike's best opening line a few weeks ago at church?

I just need someone who will talk theology with me sometimes and other times just play x-box and drink a beer.

After a pause, the other man raised his hand.

I am that man.

Wait. Maybe it is easier for men.

Stoopid men.


  1. I laughed so hard about Gianni's new friend that it was a good thing I wasn't eating Cheezits at the time. Is it a grown-up new friend who walloped him or a kid-size one?

    1. A kid sized one. A two year old. She's ALL woman though. He's completely confused by her...

  2. I pray that i am not saying this until the day that I die but it IS ridiculously hard! My four closest friends (Philly; WV; Atlanta and Drain Oregon) and though the idea of life without them in mine terrifies me- i am so frustrated with HERE... Sure I have friends, in that "friends" way. But if I want someone to come over, rent dvds and drink wine? no one. Someone to grab coffee and do a movie, or go for a cheap pedicure? no one... And this makes my heart hurt. :(

  3. Deborah the wondertwinpower form as a MOMJune 5, 2012 at 10:30 AM

    You make me laugh. Thats the reason why you were let go.. Not for what you wrote but for being real with the Boys and they loved it. They lived that world and you understood them. Jesus and X-box and even Sex talk was what they loved about you. You were making them Men and not keeping them boys. Now for friends, Friends never leave no matter how far they go. I can have a glass of wine with you anytime via skype or just facebook me. life is as easy or hard as we make it. Friends are like a marriage, you have to work at them, take time with them and love them unconditionally. I love you with my $3.00 hot stilettos that I got a JCPennys and my new black dress that was 75% off with a 15% discount ontop of that. that right sweetheart I'm Loveing you instyle. Yes you heard it, a Dress! Miss you from the middle of the mitten with a hot cup of Joe in my hand thinking of you

  4. Ah, Deb! You have the best gams of anyone I know, so you rock those heels and dress, girl!

  5. I agree! We join a new church and I don't know a soul, months later I join a Bible study and finally start meeting people, yet the Mr. already knows the majority of the men by name! What's up with that?!

  6. Thanks for visiting me at I love your post today, it made me laugh. I have to say I totally agree with you about making friends. I thought it was suppose to get easier when you got older and I have to say after over 40 years of looking, I feel like I'm from another planet in search of my "own" kind. Ha! Ha! So happy searching. I look forward to stopping by again soon. Thanks!