The Problem with Bathrooms These Daze

Once upon a time this blogger watched an episode of Oprah that mentioned that toilets spray their contents like in a six feet radius when you flush them.

I am not OCD about a ton of stuff, especially dirt/grime/bugs/snakes/germs type stuff.  I'm the mom who lets her babies eat all the dirt their little hearts desire, to the chagrin of their aunt.  Mud pies are good for the soul, I tells you!

But that sorta grossed me out.  The toilets, not the mud pies.

Unfortunately, I have a boy, a man child, a wee human who has been fascinated with the ol' loo since he could toddle on his chubby legs to it.  He used to flush all sorts of things down there.  Mostly deodorant caps...the occasional Superman action figure.  Lunch.  He doesn't do that anymore because he uses the toilet for what it's designed for, which you'd think would be great.

Except.

Except he has to hug the thing in order to flush it. We're talking straddle it, both arms akimbo, drawers down, face unbearably close to the very pot.  I can tell him till I'm blue in the face to pull up his big boy undies, stand aside, and then flush with one finger, but it ain't gonna happen.  He has to make out with the toilet.

And my toilet isn't gross.  I have myself plus my pre-teen army of two to clean it regularly.

But Walmart doesn't.  And 711 doesn't.  The park certainly doesn't.

And even when he's not in there with me (because he's standing under the hand blow dryer with a dreamy look on his face, letting his golden locks fly free) I still get grossed out because those stalls are built for fairy children and elves.  Seriously, I'm 5'3" and not hugely overweight and I have a heck of a time fitting in there.  Closing the door almost causes me to fall in the bowl.  Which would be grodie.

So you're supposed to flush with the lid down - according to the World According to Oprah - but they don't have lids!  So the next best alternative is to jump at least six feet away as you push down the flusher, right?  Well, no, you can't do that because the stupid toilets flush on their own now.  Who invented these things?  Cuz he obviously didn't watch Oprah.  There is no possible way to get out of the way when there is no lid to close and even if you could jump up fast enough and break through the door, you'd have your skivvies down to your ankles.  And no one wants to see that.  Also, you would trip on your purse that you had to set down on the four inches of floor space in the stall because the purse hook is busted.

In case you couldn't tell, my five minute run to Walmart was 40 minutes because Gianni had to do #2 twice.  And that is why I share my dissatisfaction with automatically flushing toilets and Oprah and her impossible to follow advice, with you.

You.
Are.
Welcome.

The end.