Thursday, August 4, 2011

I Dance With The Rice Krispy Boys

These days I am lucky enough to be teaching ballet again.  We're talking Creative Movement, guys.  Some Pre-Ballet.  Maybe a Ballet 1A.  Half the class is spent trying to convince little Kaitylyn to come in the studio and the other half is spent trying to untangle tiaras from leotards.  Nothing majorly hard, right?  Right.  Long gone are the days when I could do something like this to impress little glitter bedecked princesses:

...or this spiffy number:

...or even this:

Umm, not entirely sure that last one was ever possible. 

But nowadays, as my bones snap, crackle and pop their way down into the splits, I look more like this:

I am not sure when old age crept up on me, but creep it did.   In fact, old age is a creep!  Yes!  I said it!  Take that, Mother Nature!  Or is it Father Time I should be blaming?  They're probably in cahoots, staying up late at night conspiratorially muttering ways to wrench my hip, slip a disk in my back, and pull my hamstrings.   Not to mention cause wiry gray hairs to grow in places I didn't use to have hairs.  Ahem.  Anyhoo.

I swear, today I was sitting on the floor with my little angel monkeys in a side split - a REALLY pathetic one, at that - and as we pretended to paint the air with beautiful colors and then stretch over to our neighbor's feet, I about passed out.  My legs were screaming obscenities at me and my back let out a crack that was heard round the world.  And I didn't even know my legs could cuss!  They used to be well behaved legs who would never dream of cursing in the ballet studio.  Back before Old Age hit.

"Can we do leaps now, Miss Melyssa?" the little pink  whippersnappers clamored. 

"Miss Melyssa has fallen and can't get up, kids...umm, how about a water break? Don't you guys need to go potty?  It's been like, three minutes, for the love of Baryshnikov, someone's gotta pee by now, right?"

"Leaps!  Leaps!  LEAPS!  With crowns and wands and fairy rings!!"

"Absolutely,"  I croak, and try to raise my head off my knee where it has been stuck,  "Just help Miss Melyssa up...and I'm gonna try to not throw up. Yep.  OK, I need another minute.  Leap without me, girls.  I'll be right there.  As soon as I pop my hip back into place.  AAAAARRRRGH! There we go, my little tutu-ed drill sergeants...I'm back."

Yes, indeedy.  I'm back.

And I need some Motrin, a heating pad, and a bottle of something red, STAT.


  1. Age sucks... this was cute... I am sure you will be managing the third pose by months end. I mean, imagine the things you can accomplish without your hip in place. :)

  2. I was wondering what that cracking sound was that I heard the other day. Mystery solved. ;) I agree with Misty, I'm sure you'll be back to your young flexible self in no time! Ballerina's are funny that way. My old ballet teacher was ancient and way more flexible than anyone I have ever met... Seriously, the third pose would have been no problem for her, while I myself never even mastered the splits of any kind...

  3. Sorry to laugh but...bahaha! Love this.

  4. See this is why I never took ballet. I got into drama at an early age, because I can now teach that without risk of injury! ;-)

  5. I was once one of those girls shouting for leaps :) I was none too graceful, however, and my ballet career was mercifully short. Thanks for the laughs.

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  6. CaffienemommaSt.LouisAugust 10, 2011 at 9:35 PM

    That is why I no long play Basketball, softball, or run. You may crack and strain, I PEE all over myself. That is the beauty of age or just having to many children? Whatever it is Yuck!! I feel your pain..... and I belly laugh with you.

  7. What a fun post. I miss teaching gymnastics, but I don't miss the potential embarrassment.:) I found you through Time4mommy, and I am definitely following.:)

  8. Bwahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At least you didn't let out, like, the 2nd fart of your entire life. Now THAT would have been something I wouldn't want to have missed. The 1st one was blessed enough but.....

  9. I've learned over the years to, ahem, adjust my expectations. Maybe abandon expectations is more like it.