Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Spooky Mommy Guilt

III hII have this constant companion.


It lurks.


It stalks.


It hides in shadows...


waiting for me to mess up.


It doesn't wait long.


Then - 
it jumps.
Right onto my back, like a little evil troll.  It grabs my hair and wraps it's legs around my waist and no matter how I jump around and spin, the little troll will not get off.


It's my Mommy Guilt.


I'd like to smash it with a hammer, roll it up in a burlap bag, and then go bury it in my garden were it can compost and do some good.


I think I may have mentioned before that I am just a little, just a tad, a bit, a smidgen, idealistic.


In the world in my delusional head, it's a constant running episode of The Waltons mixed with a little Little House on the Prairie, with a pinch of the Swiss Family Robinson thrown in for adventure (and for the tree houses).  Sometimes we achieve near Swiss Walton Prairie nirvana.


Mostly it's Malcolm in the Middle 'round these parts.


But anyway.  When things don't go my way (mine, mine, MINE!) I become plagued by Mommy Guilt.  It transpires in the days when nothing goes right (mine = right, after all) and manifests itself in yelled at children, snapped at husbands (well, only one), a lack of punctuality, a grouchy demeanor, and a general sense that I'm about to collapse on the kitchen floor in a puddle of tears the size of Alice in Wonderland's when she flooded the area she was sitting in.  


You might think that this guilt monster only appeared when I become the sudden mother of nine, but it used to show itself quite frequently in the days of being mom to three, two and even one little bundle of joy.


Did our mothers never quite know what they were doing either?


Were they making this up as they went along?


Did they yell?
Curse?
Throw things?
Lock themselves in the bathroom and vow to never, ever come out?
Dream of the days when they could own nice things?
White furniture?
Collectibles?
A candlelit dinner?
One without food in the shape of nuggets and no one bravely martyring their very lives for one small taste of string beans?


Did they?


Did they fear that they were ruining our lives?
Did they sweat the small stuff?
Did they want to commit heinous murders over our socks and shoes left in the hallway?
Were they horribly embarrassed when we did horribly embarrassing things in front of their friends or their own parents?
Did they fear they were ruining our lives?
Did I already say that?


And will our children do/say/feel this way too?


Is it the Vicious Mother Cycle that plagued even Eve in the garden?


Working moms feel guilty about working.  Stay at home moms feel judged for not working.  Nursing moms feel guilty about not letting anyone else feed their child.  Bottle feeding moms feel guilty over not nursing.  Public schooling moms feel less for not homeschooling.  Homeschooling moms feel isolated for their choice.  Guilt, guilt, guilt.  We want our children to have it all, and yet we're smart enough to know that isn't good for them.  We want to give our undivided attention, but we are divided.  Divided by dinners, chores, papers, bills, phones, friends, laundry, bosses, husbands, holidays, all those things we forgot and all those things we still haven't done yet but wish we were because it's bothering us in the backs of our minds.


I feel guilty for homeschooling even though I believe in it.
I feel guilty for not getting up early enough in the mornings to make a good breakfast for nine kids, instead letting them fend for themselves.
I feel guilty for not voting yet today.
I feel guilty that my kids have never been to Disneyland.
I feel guilty that I've done irreparable damage to their little minds by something I've said or done, even unintentionally, but even worse, intentionally.
I feel guilty that they watch too much tv.
Or that they don't get to watch enough tv.
Or that they watch the wrong things on tv.
I feel guilty for whining.
I feel guilty when my kids want something and it's only a few dollars but I say no anyway.
I feel guilty for re-gifting but I do it anyway.
I feel guilty that I've never seen Schindler's List.  Ok, not on a daily basis, but I was at this military museum yesterday, and - oh, nevermind.  But we should probably all reflect a bit more on World War II.
I feel guilty for not being able to do high school algebra and always making Mike help the punk's with their homework.
I feel guilty when I DO help with the punk's homework because I might have given them the wrong answer. 
I feel guilty for my flabby tummy.
I feel guilty for writing this when my husband walks in from picking up the kids and I worry that he's wondering why I have found time to be on the computer when I should be doing something constructive.  The guilt almost makes me shut the computer down real quick like and jump up and grab the nearest pile of laundry in guilt.  


I feel guilty for feeling guilty.


Maybe I just need chocolate.


There is no guilt in Lindt Dark Chocolate with Sea Salt.




















this post is linked up with Emily at ave t


















This phis constant companion.


It lurks.


It stalks.


It hides in shadows...


waiting for me to mess up.


It doesn't wait long.


Then -
it jumps.
Right onto my back, like a little evil troll.  It grabs my hair and wraps it's legs around my waist and no matter how I jump around and spin, the little troll will not get off.


It's my Mommy Guilt.


I'd like to smash it with a hammer, roll it up in a burlap bag, and then go bury it in my garden were it can compost and do some good.


I think I may have mentioned before that I am just a little, just a tad, a bit, a smidgen, idealistic.


In the world in my delusional head, it's a constant running episode of The Waltons mixed with a little Little House on the Prairie, with a pinch of the Swiss Family Robinson thrown in for adventure (and for the tree houses).  Sometimes we achieve near Swiss Walton Prairie nirvana.


Mostly it's Malcolm in the Middle 'round these parts.


But anyway.  When things don't go my way (mine, mine, MINE!) I become plagued by Mommy Guilt.  It transpires in the days when nothing goes right (mine = right, after all) and manifests itself in yelled at children, snapped at husbands (well, only one), a lack of punctuality, a grouchy demeanor, and a general sense that I'm about to collapse on the kitchen floor in a puddle of tears the size of Alice in Wonderland's when she flooded the area she was sitting in. 


You might think that this guilt monster only appeared when I become the sudden mother of nine, but it used to show itself quite frequently in the days of being mom to three, two and even one little bundle of joy.


Did our mothers never quite know what they were doing either?


Were they making this up as they went along?


Did they yell?
Curse?
Throw things?
Lock themselves in the bathroom and vow to never, ever come out?
Dream of the days when they could own nice things?
White furniture?
Collectibles?
A candlelit dinner?
One without food in the shape of nuggets and no one bravely martyring their very lives for one small taste of string beans?


Did they?


Did they fear that they were ruining our lives?
Did they sweat the small stuff?
Did they want to commit heinous murders over our socks and shoes left in the hallway?
Were they horribly embarrassed when we did horribly embarrassing things in front of their friends or their own parents?
Did they fear they were ruining our lives?
Did I already say that?


And will our children do/say/feel this way too?


Is it the Vicious Mother Cycle that plagued even Eve in the garden?


Working moms feel guilty about working.  Stay at home moms feel judged for not working.  Nursing moms feel guilty about not letting anyone else feed their child.  Bottle feeding moms feel guilty over not nursing.  Public schooling moms feel less for not homeschooling.  Homeschooling moms feel isolated for their choice.  Guilt, guilt, guilt.  We want our children to have it all, and yet we're smart enough to know that isn't good for them.  We want to give our undivided attention, but we are divided.  Divided by dinners, chores, papers, bills, phones, friends, laundry, bosses, husbands, holidays, all those things we forgot and all those things we still haven't done yet but wish we were because it's bothering us in the backs of our minds.


I feel guilty for homeschooling even though I believe in it.
I feel guilty for not getting up early enough in the mornings to make a good breakfast for nine kids, instead letting them fend for themselves.
I feel guilty for not voting yet today.
I feel guilty that my kids have never been to Disneyland.
I feel guilty that I've done irreparable damage to their little minds by something I've said or done, even unintentionally, but even worse, intentionally.
I feel guilty that they watch too much tv.
Or that they don't get to watch enough tv.
Or that they watch the wrong things on tv.
I feel guilty for whining.
I feel guilty when my kids want something and it's only a few dollars but I say no anyway.
I feel guilty for re-gifting but I do it anyway.
I feel guilty that I've never seen Schindler's List.  Ok, not on a daily basis, but I was at this military museum yesterday, and - oh, nevermind.  But we should probably all reflect a bit more on World War II.
I feel guilty for not being able to do high school algebra and always making Mike help the punk's with their homework.
I feel guilty when I DO help with the punk's homework because I might have given them the wrong answer. 
I feel guilty for my flabby tummy.
I feel guilty for writing this when my husband walks in from picking up the kids and I worry that he's wondering why I have found time to be on the computer when I should be doing something constructive.  The guilt almost makes me shut the computer down real quick like and jump up and grab the nearest pile of laundry in guilt. 


I feel guilty for feeling guilty.


Maybe I just need chocolate.


There is no guilt in Lindt Dark Chocolate with Sea Salt.

11 comments:

  1. Oh my amazing, beautiful, honest best friend. You KNOW how I am guilt plagued! What I find funny is that we spend so much time trying to not mess anybody else up that in doing so we mess ourselves up immensely! I think part of who I am is b/c of those who messed me up and how. Not that I'm promoting messing people up (insert guilty feeling here) but I just hope one day when we are old and gray, rocking in our rockers on the front porch of an old country house after our husbands are long gone, that we will be able to look back and smile at it all.....while gorging ourselves on dark chocolate. I love you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. ummm, yeah....now that I'm a mommy, I get it. And boy howdy do I get it! Hang in there, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Besides if you were miss prissy perfect you certainly wouldn't want any of us "guilties" as your friends!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love chocolate with sea salt! Anyway, guilt, what a big subject. I feel it right now as I type these words because I should be doing homework, and when I am doing homework, I feel guilt for not spending time with my kids, and when I spend time with my kids I feel guilt for not doing homework or grading papers or taking a bath, reading a book, etc. I feel you on this one. Do you know what Olivia said the other night, at 9 pm mind you, when I was sitting down to do my homework and she wouldnt go to bed without me? She said, and I quote, "mom, why dont you spend time with me? Why are you always doing school and not doing stuff with us? We are your kids! Who should you be with? Us or your school work?!" Now mind you she said all of this to avoid bedtime, but boy was I unable to do my homework then.....so life just is and we deal with it as we go. Our kids will live and they will turn out better than we did because we care. At least we feel guilty.....

    Love you! You are an amazing mom and always remind me of the Ingalls/Swiss Family, maybe with a dose of the Munsters (that one is for Mike) lol.

    ReplyDelete
  4. That pretty much sums it up! I often wonder how our mothers managed to parent without the internet? I mean, I'm not sure I would have made it through last week if I hadn't been able to google parenting tips and e-mail all my friends for parenting support. Love ya!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Guilt...chased away by the cross of Christ. I can't do it right, but He did it right for me. You are an amazing woman with the love of Christ shining through you! I think of you often and of all the sacrifices you and your family have made to help others to experience a "normal" family life. You are looked up to by many!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks, my best friends in the world! You all are like my personal collection of encouragement when I need it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I told Karen that you had asked once if she and I were as calm, cool and collected as we looked, and if motherhood was as easy as we made it seem. After she recovered from her dead faint, we shared a huge belly laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I do love your honesty, and I have so often felt the same way. Shakespeare said, "Nothing is neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so." This quote helps remind me that so much of what I feel is caused by my own (often distorted) perception. The world is placed on your shoulders if your name happens to be Mom, but honestly, the worst thing you can do as a mom is to neglect to take care of your own needs. "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." I even feel guilty about not taking care of myself enough sometimes! But it's all a matter of perspective. If I really want to know what to do in each moment, I ask myself, how do I want to look back and remember this moment? How important is it that I do this/that/the other thing in the long scheme of things? The truth is, we can't do it all, be it all, that's impossible. I have to just look at my mile-long to-do list each day and circle 5 that are the most important to accomplish right now, because if I pick 10, I will just end up feeling more guilty and sleep deprived than I already do. But I can choose joy over guilt at any moment. I can choose love. Guilt is just another variety of fear. And fear comes from the "shoulds." And shoulds mean I am trying to be someone or something that I am not or don't want to be to please someone else, who's opinion of me is probably not that important anyway. Ask yourself what do you really want to be or do and just do it. Ignore the shoulds. Do what you are good at and what you know and what makes your heart sing. Use your gifts, because that is what you were born to do. Let other people fill in in the areas where you are not strong and they are. That is why they are there, that is what they are meant to do. It takes a village to raise a child--and probably an army to raise 9! Not an army of one. Let other people help where they can--get the kids to help, it's good for them. And of course chocolate never hurts... ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thank you SO much for this post! The last 4 months or so I have been RIDDLED with Mommy Guilt! It has been a rough few months, for many reasons which have led me to drop the ball on many occasions...It is SUCH a relief to come here and know that I am not alone!! I SERIOUSLY could have written this post! LOL Although had I written it, it wouldn't have been nearly as good! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  10. lol well, i LOVE that last line and completely agree. i believe in having a little bit of dark chocolate every day :) and friend, i know this mommy guilt well... you are not alone. i have no answer except to pray, pray, pray. love to you. xo

    ReplyDelete