christmas '10

1.   You know you are in possession of all your girl hormones when you can't watch Kermit the Frog as Mr Cratchit and Miss Piggy as Mrs Cratchit talk about the loss of their little piggy/froggy love child, Tiny Tim, without crying.

Other things that choke me up:

Game shows.

Winners of reality shows.

Hymns.

The last sentence of a good book.

A song on the radio that would be really good on a slide show at my own funeral.
What?  I'm the only one who does that?
Nevermind.  Forget I said anything.

Most movies of the animated kind.  Small striped fish who are lost in the sea and their dads are searching for them in spite of being scared themselves?  Gets me.  Old men in flying houses with small boyscouts?  Don't even go there.  Dogs and wolverine/hamsters reunited with their owner?  Sniffle.  Toys that band together to fight an evil purple teddy bear, only to be DONATED BY THE BOY WHO HAD THE AUDACTITY TO GROW UP?  I don't wanna talk about this anymore.

2.  Christmas here was quite nice, though different.  I am accustomed to spending the holidays with my nutso extended family so there was definitely something missing.  Something of the crazy kind.  Something of the Mama-does-all-the-cooking-and-I-sit-back-and-munch-on-salt-and-vinegar-potato-chips kind.  I now know what it's like the be the matriarch of the whole fam damily: you spend upteen hours preparing food that everyone is too full from snacking to eat.  I don't wanna be the matriarch anymore.

3.  However, ham gravy?  Oh my stars and garters.  Seriously, folks.  Give me a bowl and the largest ladle you can find.  I will never go back to turkey.

4.  Evidently, it's some sick kind of April Fool's Day equivalent in Mexico today.  So, if you too, have smart alecky Mexican friends who post things like, oh, I don't know, THAT THEY'RE PREGNANT, do not believe them.   Very funny, Lori, very funny.  My neighbor thinks she's funny.  I was already online onesie shopping, living vicariously through her, picking out paint for her nursery, and naming them.  Them, because they were going to be twins.  Rosalie and Ricki...I thought it had a nice Spanishy flair.  My hormones don't know how to handle the switch now.  Not kind, evil woman, not kind...guess I'll go back to naming my niece/nephew now.  Humph.

5.  Anna was quite happy, even thrilled, with her generic knockoff el cheap ghetto Target brand doll this Christmas.  Everything that came with it broke within nanoseconds, but hey, that's why hot glue guns were invented.  No, Schroeder, hot glue guns were NOT invented for you to hot glue everything in your room to everything else in your room.  Note to self:  hide hot glue gun.

6.  My luvah boy took me to see True Grit last night.  Fanfreakintabulous movie.  Whatshername will most certainly get the Oscar, which is exciting for me because I don't remember the last time I have actually seen a movie that was nominated for anything. 

7.  We introduced Provolone (who would like to be referred to as "P.J.s" now because it took him 16  years to realize his initials spell that) to our particularly strange and odd Christmas traditions, and it spite of what he will tell you, he totally enjoyed them.  Here's a rundown of how my Christmas Eves and Christmas go (remove the parts with my extended family - WAAAA!):

Christmas Eve:    Eat clam chowder and cornbread (incidentally, I have now perfected my cornbread recipe....if you're lucky, I'll post both recipes.  Ya know ya want em!)
                          Open one gift.  Surprise!!  It's pajamas!  It's always pajamas, silly pickles.  I got scotty dogs ones this year.  We got all the group home kids pjs and slippers.  They rather liked this part.
                           Read two poems:  The Cremation of Sam McGee (cuz nothing says Christmas like cremating corpses) and Jabez Daz, which is like the best poem in the world, especially for you Santa haters out there.  I think it would make the most perfect Tim Burton movie.  Does anyone know how to get a hold of Tim Burton?
                           Sing Happy Birthday to Jesus.  This year he had orange bundt cake.  We enjoyed it for him.
                           Send small children to bed, where they are for once, happy to go.
                           Forget to be the tooth fairy for the FOURTH night in a row.  I'm not sure what would happen if the tooth fairy and Santa crossed paths out in the flight plan there anyway.
                           Stuff stockings with beef jerky, chips, toothbrushes, chocolate, and anything else small.  Anna got bacon flavored chapstick.
                           Giddily wait until it's time to put out other sneaky gifts...like ghetto el cheapo Target knockoffs of American Girl dolls...
                          
Christmas:
                          Wake kids, because my kids are weirdos in the grand tradition of me and my sister, who always had to be woke up on Christmas morning.
                          This is the part where my sadistic mother takes as loooooooooooong as is humanly possible to "put in her eyes."  Translation: contacts, cuz she's well, as blind as a bat without them.  She's gonna smack me for telling you this, but I think she does this on purpose just to make us wait.  Then she has to make her tea.  Then she has to find her camera.  The she has to find the film for the camera.
                          Four years later...open gifts.  Revel in the crass commercialism.
                          Eat scrumptious orange rolls.
                          Eat candy all day.  Never get out of pajamas.  Never brush teeth or hair.  Watch movies.  Eat more candy. 
                          The end.

8.  I had pictures to go with, but the dumbo uploading refuses to upload.  It took 20 minutes of my life I will never get back, time that could have been spent licking the ham gravy off my plate.  But if you want to know what our Christmas photos look like, just look at a Gap ad, or maybe Ralph Lauren.  We look just like them.  I'm the tall, willowy blonde.

9.  I don't appreciate the hysterical laughter.