Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Let me have it!

I wanted to be a writer ever since I was pretty small.  I also wanted to be an archaeologist, a dog kennel owner, a horse trainer, a ballerina, a dance teacher, and a cartoonist for Disney, but  mainly, a writer.  I wrote all the time, filling up spiral notebooks with stories about talking dogs (1986-89) and silly detective adventures (1989-1991) and dark and gloomy poetry (1992-1994).  When I was 16, I completed my first book (ahem, make that my only book).  It sits in my trunk/hope chest.  When I started this blog a couple years ago, it was really the first writing I had done in a long time, and it was refreshing, to say the least.  And my fragile artist's ego was boosted by the kind feedback, I won't deny it.  Since then, I've reverted back to the days of daydreaming plot lines, characters, and stories, but I have yet to write them.  The reasons are as follows, and in no particular order:

1.  I have kids.  Through the years it may have been only one or two, perhaps three plus a couple dogs, or a slew of small humans.  But whether it's one or nine, it sometimes feels like twenty.

2.  I have a husband.  He likes to eat.  And have my attention.  And he needs me to wash his underpants.

3.  I can't get too far behind on my television shows.  If I do, I forget things.  And I get cranky, because sometimes I really just need a shiny box showing someone elses life for a bit, to stare at while I eat Cheezits.

4.  My dog needs his ears scratched on a regular basis or he gets anxious.  When he gets anxious, he gets gassy.

5.  I have to make things like French onion soup, and curried chicken, and oatmeal bread.  No, really, I HAVE to.  Otherwise I get anxious.  And when I get anxious, I get - oh, never mind.

6.  I have to peer into my son's ear canal and drop medicine in.  Cause he's my Pooky.

7.  I have to go to staff meetings.

8.  I have to throw snow balls at Cora.

9.  I have to wash underpants.

10.  I have to drink coffee with half and half.

11.  I have to finish "Eats, Shoots and Leaves."

12.  I have to edjoomakate my chitlins.

13.  I have to snuggle.

14.  I have to quote movies.  This takes more time and energy than one might think.

15.  I have to curse the printer.

16.  I have to play with Moose, all the while attempting to inject a little, oh I don't know, plot line into his scenarios, but finally just giving in to his world of shoot-the-bad-guys-then-bring-them-back-to-life-in-order-to-kill-them-again.

But I've decided if I let one thing go, I could, possible, just maybe, I'm sayin' perhaps, dedicate a little time to take a tiny plunge (a toe in the water, so to speak) by submitting articles to magazines.  If I'm rejected, hey, it'll be a great blog and we can all laugh at my nuttiness together.  Cuz we're in this together, don't you know?  We are.

So, here's what I need from you, and by "you," I am referring to all four of you readers who faithfully leave comments, the fifty something followers I am not sure are still out there, and all the rest of you incognito, plain clothed, Grouch Marx mustache wearin', lurkers, who tell me all the time they read this but refuse to make their presence known (are you hiding from The Man?  Witness Protection?  On the run from the FBI?  Are YOU the FBI?):

Leave me a comment and let me know which blog post is your favorite and which one could be transformed into magazine article, and which magazine you are thinking of.  If you have a fav homeschooling magazine, let me know what types of writings are published within.  If your favorite grocery store impulse buy is Good Housekeeping, let me know what you think they need.  Because I keep house.  And I'm good at it, if you consider washed underpants the definition of good.  And if you have always wanted me to write about something specific, like serving cheese burgers in the bathtub, or how to reuse paper towels, let me know, and I will oblidge.  Unless it's an article about car mechanics, because I will politely decline.  And if you've ever written a good query letter, give me some pointers!  Or, you know, feel free to write one for me.  Oh, and evidently, I have really high security on this (which makes me think men in black are gonna scale down the outside of your house if you try to leave a comment, Mission Impossible style, but I think I could be wrong), so you may have to REALLY prove your love by hitting the submit button several times.  Otherwise, you'll be like Heather B, who says, "But I comment all the time!" and then I'm like, "Uh, no you don't," and she's like, "Waaa?" and so on and so forth.

If you are reading this, this means YOU.  If I get one comment from someone and it says "good luck to you, weirdo," my self esteem will be completely and utterly damaged.  And you don't want to see what that looks like.  It involves sweatpants and Cheezits, and it's not for the faint of heart.


  1. Hm, I don't have much advice about where to submit as I don't read homeschooling magazines (yet) but I say go for it! I love your writing, nothing makes me lol as much as your posts, so good luck and keep us updated!

  2. ditto! i honestly don't read magazines except for Food & Wine which is really hard to read right now without a big ol' bottle of vino. But, i think you will totally rock whatever u send in and i'll ask my peeps for advice for u since i have none to give and can't even seem to wash underpants. so, ive got nothin, but i support u in your adventure! and if u so wish to publish The Bar 6 or Oops! A Fairytale, i think they will become instant classics. just sayin.

  3. This sounds so much like me!! One of my friends recently gave me links to some magazines that she thought I would be interested in writing for... I haven't tried it as of yet (for most of the reasons you mentioned... and I'm behind on my volunteer writing). I don't have any suggestions for you, but I will be looking forward on reading more about your journey. I always enjoy reading your posts and think you would be a valuable asset to any magazine.

  4. I'll have to go back & glance through. There was one post I remember from like a year ago that made me pee a little. I'm with Lary- whatever you submit will be great. But you cannot stop making French Onion Soup. It is my FAVORITE soup EVER. From experience.....you actually CAN live without TV shows.

  5. Nuh uh! I HAVE to see who wins the Worst Cook in America, I HAVE to!

  6. officially don't like the facebook blog update notification. I only get it, if I'm on when you post it, since it has scrolled off my screen by the time I check it. I SO preferred the e-mail notifications. Any way to bring them back? Now, I'm reading 4 posts at once and feeling really bad for being so behind. :(

    best blog vote coming soon - as soon as I catch up on my reading. :)

  7. I can add you back to the regular ol' email list, muffin! (Uh, this IS Lorna and not Justin, right? Cuz I would feel awkward calling Justin "muffin.")

  8. Why limit yourself to a particular post... it would really only be the first, right? I do appreciate your ingenuity, warmth and your voice as a humorist; so, I would say any type of family, woman's or h/s'd magazine would be fertile ground. I think you could be the next Erma Bombeck (who BTW was way over-rated). But, I suppose that you would have to start with a single piece or 2 before building into a regular column. Good luck-- take from your environment-- you've got lots of good stuff to draw upon.

  9. Impossible to choose just one post silly. They are all quite witty. I think you should do a comic about parenting to be honest. Why, your blog about Moose asking you for cheeseburgers from the bathtub was material enough for a hilarious Sunday column.

  10. Read you tonight because you posted on Hillbilly Momma's blog. I had to check you out because of the name of your blog in reference to the comments in HM's blog. Too strange not to check it out. Oh! So happy to read good read! Check you later - I need to read more.

  11. Hey Sis,
    If I had to pick it would be "Things you don't want to hear your three year old say". I can't stop laughing at "Well, I just killed Anna" and "You're driving me ridiculous". I want to say start with something funny, but there is humor in all your blogs. I have a hard time commenting on them, but still do read them all! Don't worry about your Birthday gift, it is coming. I swear! Bri-Bro

  12. So I'm one of "those" lurkers who doesn't always leave a comment, but can't wait for your next email. I know I have told you before, how much I love your writing. Have you thought of doing a collection of posts for a book? Your blog always puts a smile on my face. You have the ability to use words unlike anyone I have ever read. I would love to read your article in Family Fun!

  13. OK, so coming from my shameless marketing and promotion background...use any of your many blogs that mention Cheese-Its, and go straight for the mags they advertize with...Good Housekeeping is probably a good bet. It is as impossible to pick my favorite blog posting of yours as it is to put down a box of Cheese-Its...see what I mean?...shameless

  14. I am partial to cold buttermilk. Oh. Wait a minute. That was Kim Darby as Mattie Ross in True Grit, the original, badly-acted, John Wayne/Glen Campbell version from 1969, the one The Duke won an Oscar for.

    What I meant to say was that I am partial to your Santa post, Viewer Discretion is Advised.
    As a bonus, I am leaving you two links that concern writing, though not necessarily of the magazine variety. One is donnasbookpub.blogspot.com , because she has a great sidebar, and each of those blogs has a great sidebar, and you can drape yourself in writing like George Costanza would drape himself in velvet if it was socially acceptable.

    The other is annemini.com , a blog with a sidebar that is actually a toolbar that has everything you need to know about writing and submitting queries and proposals and whatnot. I hate the word whatnot. But it seemed appropriate here. There might not be anything specific to magazine writing, but you can find out how to format your manuscript for submission.

    If you know anything about goats, could you please write about how to keep a goat from getting her head stuck in the fence every day, short of duct-taping a piece of wood between her horns? Or cutting them off with a hacksaw. Because I can't get on board with those two solutions, the best of the solutions cooked up by my hillbilly husband, quicker than he cooked up a roadkill turkey with a blowtorch and a Coleman camp stove.