Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Like Mother Like Son

Moose is accident prone.  In just the past four weeks ALONE he will have seen:

1.  A dermatologist.
2.  An MD.
3.  An allergist.
4.  An ENT.
5.  A dentist.
6.  A partridge in a pear tree.

OK, fine, he hasn't seen his allergist in the past four weeks, but it made the list seem more impressive.  I was thinking of how many times this ankle biter has been to a medical professional, and I'm thinkin' it's gotta be more than your average toddler.  Here are all the ailments I can remember from his scant life span:

1.  Severe eczema which led to:
2.  Severe food allergies which led to:
3.  An allergic reaction to an inhaler treatment which caused:
4.  An ambulance ride and overnight at a hospital.
5.  That cumbersome, pesky fainting habit that tends to freak people out.
6.  Stitches in his head when he lost a fight with a kitchen chair.
7.  Several more allergy related appointments.
8.  A bout with a skin virus that has now been treated with a peculiar serum they extract from a Blister Beetle which is exactly what it sounds like.  Four treatments and it's still not gone.
9.  A punctured eardrum from putting Q-tips in his ears in an effort to look like Shrek and then sailing off the couch only to land on his ogre ear.

I'm tempted to be irritated by his penchant for scars, but then I remembered I've had a few myself:

1.  Falling out of a tree one time (cuz you know there was more than once) I remember wildly  making a mental note that the way cartoon characters fall out of trees and smack each and every branch on the way down, bouncing to and fro and cracking branches off, is quite painfully accurate.
2.  Horse injury #1 was leading a stubborn horse by his lead rope when he bucked, diabolically wrapping the lead around my head and then taking off running, dragging me behind by my neck.  Left a rather nice bruise in the shape of a rope.  That one made my normally calm mother pale.
3.  Horse injury #2 was getting kicked in the ankle by the horse in front of me while riding my own.
4.  I have pencil lead in my leg from a pal stabbing me.
5.  I have a dent in my forehead from apparently falling off a deck as a toddler.
6.  I have a scar by my eye from belatedly remembering I am not a acrobat as I flipped myself off a handrail onto the cement below as a 10 year old. 
7.  Broken toe from horse injury #2 that was rebroken years later when I dropped a drawer on it.
8.  Cracked tailbone from slipping on ice.
9.  Two C-sections that caused an abnormal amount of scar tissue that caused complications for birth #3.
10.  Numerous swollen and twisted ankles.
11.  A winter from H, E, double hockey sticks, that resulted in five bouts of strep throat from Oct-Jan that ended in a specialist office, who cackled with evil mirth and said he loved a good challenge like me.
12.  A visit with an OBGYN who had the same reaction when I went to her with problems from #9 that are too icky for me to write about.

Next, Moose has his first dentist appointment.  I am dreading it.  I am not looking forward to the part where they sternly inform me, his parent and legal guardian, that he is riddled with cavities and what have I been doing, feeding him a bottle with koolaid in it every night before bed?  Then I have to weakly explain that I may or may not have broken him of the coconut milk in a sippy cup taken to bed a wee bit later than I had planned to, and that I may or may not brush his teeth daily.  Basically confirming to them that I AM THE WORST MOTHER OF ALL FLIPPIN' TIME ON THE FACE OF PLANET EARTH.   This cannot-be-denied-knowledge is embarrassing because a lot of time I can fake being a better mother than I actually am.  For example, if I am out and about at a friend's house and they serve hot dogs I OF COURSE boil it in purified water in a steel pot, slice it lengthwise to reduce the risk of choking, then slice it the other way into tiny little half moon pieces, then blow on it, then serve it with organic ketchup.  If I am home however, I toss a cold hot dog across the kitchen at him, whole.  Or I might nuke it.  Which will surely cause him cancer if the hot dog itself doesn't beat the microwave to the punch.

Aw geez Louise, there are a lot of doctor appointments in cancer.


  1. Geez Louise, why am I laughing? It is so weird to remember all of your ... issues. When Brian was little, I called him the Bold One, because back in those ancient days, there was a commercial for Bold detergent which showed a little boy falling out of trees, swimming through mud puddles, etc & etc & etc. (No, those "etc"s are not redundant when they are being used in conjunction with Bold children) Anyhow, then along comes you. Now, I'm not saying that Gary and Lary haven't had their share of ... issues, but they haven't involved nearly as much blood and tissue and bones as you & Brian. There is such a thing as valuing one's skin... And in some children that gene is missing. Which makes them adorably scary, of course.

  2. i hope karma doesnt get me for saying this but.................. i dont have any scars! heeheehee. and the reason for this is that my dear sweet, brave and fearless sister always tried out the scary stuff first. and then got hurt. so i'd have to get mom and the bandaids. not for #9 and #12 though. have u ever thought of investing in a bubble house???

  3. Lots of doctor appointments with cancer? Never.

  4. Hey! I have a lead dot on my leg too from someone stabbing me with a pencil....weird. That boy sounds like my kids, I am slowly spending their college money on medical care.
    Love you!

  5. Hey, it worked! I actually posted!

  6. I have Unjournaling. May have to try a few of their suggestions. Right now, most of it seems too complicated. Seeing as, he does not even want to write a complete sentence and ever mistake leads to crying. I also have Yoga for the Brain.

  7. Why is it that doctors and dentists always have a way of making us feel like the worst parents on Earth? (By the way, I was convinced that was my title, after I took all 3 of mine to the dentist, and he told me I should be brushing all of their teeth until at least age 7! Oops...) Never mind the fact that 2 out of 3 have had stitches before Kindergarten age. Only one to go, and I will have a matched set! It's amazing they haven't all choked to death or gone to the hospital with the amount of Legos and various other small objects they have had in their mouths(not to mention noses and ears!), and they eat popcorn, hot dogs, hard candy, and pretty much every other kind of choking hazard on a daily basis since they were old enough to grab it from our plates. Really, it is a wonder they are all still alive. I thought I was a pretty good mother, still, until the last trip to the dentist. (Never mind that my kids are playing Legos and watching cartoons as we speak, while I play on the computer, instead of dutifully homeschooling and cleaning and preparing breakfast like I am "supposed" to be doing right now...) Well, I guess you will just have to arm-wrestle me for the title or world's worst mother. :)