Thursday, April 28, 2011

You're Cordially Invited to Join my Commune

I have authority problems.  I don't much care for people telling me what to do and how to live my life, plus I crave simplicity and the homesteading life (in spite of the fact that I can kill a house plant in six seconds flat and have never milked a cow).  Regardless, I've decided to start my own commune.  Should be easy enough and y'all are invited.  My brother already thinks I live in one anyway and he calls occasionally to make sure I am not wearing long dresses, marrying off my daughters, allowing Mike extra wives, watching for comets, and drinking koolaid.

Now I didn't say I didn't like RULES, I just said I don't like following other people's rules, so I'm sure you'll understand if I just lay out Lyssa's Family Commune Rules right now.  Breaking the rules will terminate our weird, crunchy, granola, hippy-dippy, love fest, way of life, so try to adhere.

1.  No sports.  Well, you can play them, but no watching them on TV.  No idolizing sports stars either, that's totally against my rules.

2.  There will be an outdoor movie shown every weekend in the warm months and I get to pick the movie.  Yeah, that's right, every week, my pick, no whining and complaining and making fun of the movies I like.  You want to pick one?  Go start your own commune.  Oh, and I don't like popcorn so we'll pass around a big bowl of Cheezits and sugar snap peas.

3.  I'm not much of a gardener so if one could make sure you are, that'd be great.  Good.  That's settled.  Did I mention sugar snap peas?  We're gonna need a separate garden for those.

4.  Small children will be allowed to run around in their birthday suits.  No larger humans though - that'd be awkward.  We don't want our commune to end up on the evening news.

5.  No spouse swapping.  Also awkward.  We're not that kind of commune!

6.  No video games.

7.  Tie-die in moderation only, please.

8.  There will be a large community library with one of those rolling ladder thingies, so I can pretend to be Audrey Hepburn and you can pretend to be Fred Astaire.  

9.  There will be lots of music playing, for enjoyment and also to fulfill our hippy-dippy minimum requirements.  I plan to learn the fiddle.  You can play whatever you want.  I'm thinking of seeing if Steve Martin and Zac Brown want to join my commune and also that cool redhead who plays violin for Taylor Swift.  Also, Ritchi Sambora.  And if he happens to bring his best friend along, well, it's a friendly commune...can't exactly just kick the guy out...oh OK, Jon Bon Jovi, you can stay!!  Gosh, you don't have to beg, silly man, we'll find a place for you somewhere, don't you fret.  You'll look great in my library.  Hey, you like Fred Astaire, don't you?  Do you think I look like Audrey Hepburn?  Do you - 

10. Where was I?

11.  We'll cook lots of cool, interesting things that we've never eaten before and there will never be a box of mac and cheese or a cake mix or anything instant.  We'll eat things like wild mushroom ragu...goat cheese fritatta...panchetta risotto... It'll be like an episode of Chopped every night!  I'm so excited!  No iceberg salad with pink tomatoes, no flavorless spaghetti, and, hold onto your hats, Mommies, no chicken nuggets.  Ever.  Mostly we'll live on crusty bread, stinky cheese, and Cab Sav.  And veg.  And we'll throw in the occasional steak.  I know, I know, I had you at wild mushroom ragu, right? 

12.  No bedtimes and no wake up times.  Cuz I'm cool like that.  

13.  No fart contests.  I mean it.  I will kick you and your stinky patootie out the door.  I have been in the downwind area of enough of these to last a lifetime;  I live with five teen boys.  And two daughters who can seriously hold their own.  

14.  Mike will read aloud from Patrick McManus around the campfire while the kidlets roast marshmallows.  

15.  Genesis will make anything we need from scratch.  Sorry, Gen, can you put off Ireland a few more years?  It's for the good of the commune, woman!

16.  We'll probably have to homeschool because, let's face it, we'll be in the middle of nowhere and besides, homeschooling is a kind of commune thing to do.  But we should rotate.  I'll teach cooking and sewing and history and English, and you all can teach math, algebra, science, geometry, and chemistry.  That seems fair.  Ehem.

Now all we have to do is pick a place.  I know we have a couple votes for New Zealand and I'm all in with that one.  Also have a weakness for the Oregon coast, and South Dakota.  Any other thoughts? 


  1. i had a steak with blue cheese and a nice shiraz last night , so i think im ready for the commune. Except for that mushroom part. gross. I think we should move to Prince Edward Island. It is super pretty and we could hang out with Ann with an E and quote The Lady of Sallot. or Shallot if u like onions. Whatever. Anywho, I'm ready so just tell me when to move so i can go on a video game killing spree because u said i can.

  2. I'm down with your plan, but I don't like cheezits OR snap peas.

  3. Sorry I can't join because I'm startin my own! And mine is clothing optional for all!;)

  4. You won me over with #13, however if you expect me to teach chemistry I might blow up the commune... just a fair warning.

  5. i think i got stuck on "irregardless"

  6. Lorna,

    OK OK I changed it. I meant to before I hit "publish" but forgot. I totally thought it was a word...I think it should be a word. ;)

  7. SIGN ME UP!!!
    My only hesitation being the WILD mushroom ragout... Wild creeps me out. Not into poison 'shrooms...

    Oh, and, do you mind if my kids recreate the library scene in "THE MUSIC MAN" in the library? They love randomly bursting into choruses of "MADAM LIBRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-RIAN" and shoving random marshmallows into people's faces... (They actually do...)

    Totally down with everything else...

  8. Kimberly,

    OK we'll go with those cute lil button mushrooms from the store if you insist. Chicken.

    As long as the marshmallows aren't on fire when they're shoving them into people's faces, I'm down with that.


  9. Lyssa,


    We have a deal!

    As for location, I would suggest anywhere but Pennsylvania...I know firsthand, their homeschooling law is stinkier than your kids farting contest!!


  10. OK....sigh.....I will join the commune and forsake dear Ireland. Ohhh, how about moving the commune to Ireland? There are lots of sheep in the midlands and I can knit eveyone new wool tie dye tunics!

  11. Can we drink Kool-Aid, or is that out as well?

    Just checking, Bri_Bro

  12. Too funny!

    Wonder what my rules would be if I started a commune!

  13. I am down with your commune idea. :) That all sounds fabby for me. And I promise not to wear too much tie dye. ;)I vote for Kalamath, because we love that place. Redwoods and hiking and the ocean and the Trees of Mystery and Paul Bunyan and the Big Blue Ox right there! Sign me up!