Mommies the world over would be excellent in espionage. I have given this a lot of thought and I think the C.I.A. should hire us. Of course we'd have to have Spy Names, like Scully, or Agent 99, or something like that. Give it some thought. I'll be Tutu. I'll have a pointe shoe phone.
Reasons any secret government agency should hire moms immediately:
1. We have amazingly high pain tolerance. Pretty sure Pierce Bronson couldn't foster a human child inside his body and then expel it - either by hacking it out with a carving knife in an operating room or by pushing it out through his nether regions. I am also fairy certain he would not make it through the first two weeks of breastfeeding without a lot of sobbing.
2. We have perfected stealth. Mommies are sneaky little women. Take nap time: whether it's a brand new babe or one of the toddling variety, we can hold our breath for most of eternity and then maneuver that little bumpkin to his crib or bed without waking him. By the way, all cribs and toddler beds were made by The Enemy and were designed to creak if you so much as look at them. This involves a highly intricate dance that is similar to Ethan Hawke (right Ethan? Wrong Ethan? Thinking of Mission Impossible Ethan, not Uma Thuman's ex Ethan) suspended from the ceiling.
3. We can go days without eating. By the time the food is prepared and on the table, little Emily wants a drink, little George has pooped his pants, little Trixie has spit up, and when you've dealt with all that, there isn't any food left.
4. We can go a long time without sleep. Approximately 18 years.
5. We are adept at cleaning up bodily fluids.
6. Nothing scares us. We have seen it all.
7. We can't be broken through torture. If we can handle upteen viewings of Barney, we can handle water-boarding.
8. We are masters of disguise. Why, you'd hardly recognize me from the 19 year old hottie I used to be now that I've got my pair of Mom Jeans.
Join me! Today the blogging world...tomorrow the world.
You are so right, I love it!
ReplyDeleteAfter giving it some thought I realized that becoming a mom has given me bionic hands and switchblade fingernails. I can pick a booger, get a glob of earwax, schluck down a fierce hair cowlick and remove a milk mustache in .002 sec. before Quinn knows what hit him.
Yeah we would be good.
I will be special agent Picasso with a paintbrush that is a multi tool fixer upper and tracking device!
Oh my gosh Genesis and Melyssa you crack me up! Okay, I'll be special agent Ghetto with a food stamps card that can slice through the human body before I can even fart......and you KNOW how fast that would be.
ReplyDeleteLove it!!!
ReplyDeleteyou are so funny!
ReplyDeleteThere's our girl. I have decided that this is a new career for me. Thank you for the inspiration. :>
ReplyDeleteI was never very good at that "transfer-the-sleeping-baby trick." If it is a requirement, I'll be a substandard spy. I'm a great chemist though . . . just ask how I do my laundry, or treat an owie, kill a weed, or just plain interpret the ingredients on a pack of oreos (they're vegan you know - no real cream?!?!?). :)
ReplyDeleteWhat about our great wrestling prowess? Trying to get a a poopy diaper off a baby who wants to be anywhere but on the changing table without getting any on you has to count for something. Excellently funny post.
ReplyDelete