Father Time Drinks CoffeeMate

I thought I was the only one with a peculiar habit.  Turns out when I mentioned it on Facebook, lots of people confessed they do the same.

What?  Well, I'm glad you asked (pretend you asked).

We judge the time and space continuum by the expiration dates on our dairy products.  What does this mean, for those of you who don't know this sneaky little trick for telling time?

Well, say, for instance that you are with child.  These tiny humans take ten months to cook.  Not nine.  Don't argue with me on the math; I almost committed spousalcide when Hubby corrected me when I was preggers with Cora.  That's like saying the first month didn't even count.  Whaaaa?  Huh?  I had the tossed cookies to prove it.  Anyway, back to how dairy fits into the biological clock.  You can count off the days using cream cheese.  For instance:

By the time this Land O' Lakes expires, I will be fatter than Shamu and just as shiny.


OR


When this French Vanilla coffeemate has run its course, I will be stuffing cabbage leaves in my nursing bra.


OR


When this cheddar starts evolving into blue cheese I will have a small child and an extra spare tire, both of which will need names.


I'm not sure when I started doing this but it is an interesting measure of time.  I pulled out the milk yesterday and it doesn't expire until December 18!  This was so helpful to me because I had no idea it was time to turn on the holiday music, but, YES!  The milk tells me so!  And Horizon Organic 1% never lies.  They're like the Mother Theresa of milks.


Naturally, things expire at different rates, but this works out well because you can divide your fridge into sections according to your calender.  For instance:


The pickles don't expire for three more years.  By the time I eat this last pickle I will be meeting Cora's boyfriends,  dropping Roo off on Broadway for summer camps, and Moose will be finishing up #2 in the bathroom without hollering for me and my talent with the toilet paper.


OR

This half and half expires tomorrow.  By the time this half and half expires I will have showered!  My feet smell like pickles.


OR

This can of whipped cream expires in one month.  I shall start that diet in one month and one day.


It really is a handy dandy way of telling time and planning out your life.  Try it.  You'll never go back to clocks.